Sono Pics

I realized that I hadn't posted any ultrasound photos since the first one at 6w1d. Here are Baby A and Baby B (I really have to come up with better names) at 11w2d:

Update on NT

We couldn't do it today, because my uterus is tilted pretty far back and it needs to be done with the above the belly u/s, not the vaginal one. She tried but also said we should probably wait till 12-14 weeks anyway. For Baby A she was able to get a bit of a look at the neck and said it looked quite thin that she couldn't even take a measure, so that was a good sign. Other than that, Baby A is on target and Baby B is a day ahead. Everything else was normal. We also couldn't hear the h/b with the doppler because of the same uterus issues. Oh well! I will go back on New Year's Eve for another try at the NT test. I will be exactly 13w. I guess that will be a pretty significant day!

NT Test Today - 11w2d

Thanks to the supportive ladies who posted. I guess my nausea abated for awhile, and then started coming back with a vengeance. I can hold more food down know, which is great because when I met with the peri on Monday she told me I should be gaining 45 lbs in this pregnancy, and it should equate to a pound a week in the 1st and 2nd trimesters. So far I have gained about 5. So, not there yet, but at least I am not losing weight anymore.

The babies are looking great, getting bigger and really quite active! They were kicking and flailing their little arms and bouncing up and down on Monday's sonogram. We were exactly 11 weeks, and she said everything looks just the way they want it to look at this point. My cervix is in good condition and long enough, but I need to get it checked every 1-2 weeks apparently. She also reviewed the laundry list of what makes twins high risk, and it sort of freaked me and DH out. But I guess they have to tell you everything up front. I think I am going to be at the doctors at least every 2 weeks, if not more often. I am trying to figure out what to do about work. I was recently promoted to a management position, and I am worried about my sudden absences. DH and I agreed that we would do whatever it takes to have these babies, and I don't want to sacrifice their health or well being at all, but I can't help but have some nagging concerns about work.

Anyway, the NT test is today, so we'll find out the downs syndrome risk. I would be more nervous if we hadn't had an u/s just 2 days ago. However I guess I have no idea of what the outcome would be at this point of the NT test, so I am just praying everything looks normal with my little munchkins.

As for the belly update, I am still not getting any larger in the stomach, except for the nighttime bloating. I guess I will "pop" when the time is right.

Update...

Nothing really new to report, I haven't had an u/s in 11 days (!!) so I have NO idea what is going on in there. I was really sick last week, vomiting nearly every day after dinner. I think I figured out that greasy food really sets me off (cheesy/oily, like baked ziti, pizza, grilled cheese and fries - I puked after all of those meals.) However ever since Sunday, the 10w mark, I have been feeling alot better. My appetite is not normal, but I can tolerate the thought of more food, and I have not thrown up once. My nausea is very minimal indeed. At first this worried me, but I then read up on how HCG levels peak at 9-10w and decline, so perhaps that is why. Maybe my body is used to the levels finally! I also had my progesterone checked at 9w and it was 49, so I have spent a week tapering off the PIO shots and the Estrogen tablets and patches. One more week and I will be completely done.

I see the MFM doctor on 12/17, but I don't think it is for an u/s. However my NT test is on 12/19 and I have an appt with the OB after.

Lastly, my belly is sort of bloated, but I don't think this counts as showing. I have been keeping a measure on my waist around my belly button. It is around 31-32 in the morning and 34 in the evening, which leads me to believe there is definite bloating going on. It is normally 26, so I am definitely putting on some wideness. I'd love to just "pop" so I can feel confident in this. I know my RE said after having so many good u/s that my odds of having a m/c drop to 5% or less for each baby, so that helps, but I am still nervous. Should I be wishing for my nausea back or just be glad it is finally tapering off? I don't know.

Still here, still preggers!

Amazingly enough! I went to my new OB on Monday for an initial appointment, and I really like her. She's thorough, nice, and young (that last part I don't LOVE, but she came highly recommended). Net net, I didn't get an u/s that day, but I did get a referral to the MFM doctor since due to the IF/twins/some other issues I am considered "high risk." My first appointment with her is in early December.

I had an u/s today with the tech at my OB's and everything looks great. Apparently I have a tilted uterus (who knew?), so we couldn't see anything on the "above the belly" u/s, and had to revert to the old fashioned wanding that I am used to. I was told my cervix is long, and this is a good thing. All of this stuff is new to me. But on to the best part - the babies are measuring perfect - right on target, with nice, strong heartbeats (175 and 182). They have cute little circles for limbs and nice looking yolk sacs. I blurted out my gut reaction which was "they look like baby mice." I think the tech found that odd and DH gave me a funny look. But they sort of do! I'll scan in the photos and post them. Baby A was even bopping around a little! So funny to see him/her moving. Still, I couldn't be happier. However now I have to keep it together for 3 weeks until my next ultrasound. That's going to be a bit of an emotional challenge.

I feel pretty good overall, other than the nausea, which is not constant but more like comes and goes, sometimes resulting in actual vomiting and sometimes just gagging and heaving. The acne is the only other real pregnancy thing, I break out every few days. Yesterday I finally started getting my appetite back, which is good. Food was a complete turn off for about 2 weeks. I still don't love to eat, but there are times when I actually do feel hungry instead of completely put off by food. Oh yeah, and none of my pants can zip up anymore! This is my favorite part. Just a smidge of a poufy belly and overall a little "wider". I like that my body is changing. That's what makes it feel more real to me.

7w2d

Dare I say it? Things are going well. I had my last u/s at the clinic today with my RE. DH had to miss the scan because he was stuck in traffic, so I ran up as we were already 30 mins late. That was a stressful situation in and of itself.

It went as well as it could have. The babies measured 7w1d and the heartbeats were strong. My RE said they looked "great" and "healthy". He was so sweet and we had a tender moment together actually. He told me how happy he was for DH and me and how he loves the fact that he gets to help get such good people pregnant. He said he was sorry about how hard it was for me to get here, and that I was a sweetheart! I was floored at how genuine he was. I nearly cried.

I have an appointment on Monday with a high risk OB that my RE recommended in my area. I'm glad to be moving so quickly on this. I still have to go back to the clinic to get my b/w monitored for e2 and p4, since I was an FET cycle. Eventually I will be weaned off all the meds, but for now we are continuing full-force.

It almost doesn't seem real. I can't believe there are 2 babies living and growing inside of me.

Otherwise, I am pretty much fine. I do want to puke pretty much constantly. But what can I expect, I guess that happens with twins. Honestly, I don't mind it very much. Guess I should just feel extremely lucky, and blessed.

just so happy.

(Editing to add photo)

We saw 2 h/b's today: 114 and 118. RE said everything looks good for 6w2d, measuring on target. I have one more u/s at the clinic before they release me, next Tuesday, with my regular RE who is out of town at the moment.

DH was more ecstatic than I was. It was so amazing to see him so thrilled. I think I wanted this for him more than for myself. We know it's early, but this was a big hurdle for us, and we're thrilled to be here right now. I'm sure the worry will start again soon. Oh, and the spotting stopped again. The RE said she is only concerned with bright red blood, so that was a little bit of a relief.

I then hopped a flight to Orlando for a conference. The flight was short, but interesting. Definitely starting to have more symptoms. They are not what I expected. Really intermittent and different, not always the same thing. I think that's good though.

Thank you everyone for keeping me and the babies in your thoughts and prayers. I am a strong believer in the difference it makes through all of this.

oy.

Yesterday some symptoms picked up, and last night I actually puked my guts out.

This was coupled with the fact that I also started getting some barely-there light brown spotting intermittently around the same time.

So the score is: 1 good thing, 1 not-so-good thing. I keep thinking about the blood next to one of the sacs, and as it grows, is it just going to keep pushing bits of it out? The RE seemed to think it was entirely possible.

Trying to keep myself from losing it for the next ~17 hours until my 6w2d u/s.

Feeling apprehensive

I know I've not really had a great deal of crazy symptoms to begin with, but I am starting to get nervous/paranoid about it now. I'm 5w6d today, and not really anything more. I was tired this week, but today I feel less so. I've only had very mild and very occasional bouts of queasiness, but nothing substantial outside of last Sunday. I know my P4 levels are borderline, although apparently acceptable, so that may have something to do with it. No cramping, no bleeding or spotting. But my most terrifying fear is that of the "missed miscarriage" - what I had with my first IVF - the one that started out with the beta of 9. That's right - 9 - @ 10DP5DT. That one rose well for awhile, then slowed and nothing ever grew, other than a very small sac with nothing in it. So that is my ultimate fear, that we go back in for u/s #2 and nothing is progressing. I wish I could feel better about it, but I at this point, I'm just scared, and it's starting to turn into depression.

Is it better to know or to live in a state of obliviousness. Is that even a word?

A v. nice turn of events @ 5w2d

Wow. I am sort of stunned. Had my u/s this morning, with Mr. World Famous RE scanning me himself. He prefaced with the following: "It's really early, so I don't expect to see much." Ok, so expectations are managed. No fetal poles and heartbeats yet. But, guess what? We saw TWO sacs! They were right next to one another, he said that could have been causing the bleeding. He also saw what was possibly some blood in another area, so it could have been that too.

My beta jumped to 6,000+ (didn't get the exact number), so the doubling time is less than 37 hours. RE said the twin thing was "subject to change" but we are looking at a potentially happy outcome. And he was not at all concerned about my progesterone levels.

Feeling symptoms of on/off nausea and tiredness with dizzy spells. Oh, and my face is breaking out like CRAZY - I have at least 2 new zits every day. Gross, I know.

We'll go back in a week for another u/s to see if we can detect 1-2 fetal heartbeats.

I am trying not to get TOO excited. But I am a little excited :) Ok, more than that. It sort of feels like a dream. Don't get me wrong, I know the risks and I realize there is a LONG way to go from here. But, it's a step closer.

Thanks again everyone for all of your support. This network of IF blogs has changed everything for me. I love reading your own stories and getting your advice. So thank you.

Happy Daylight Savings!

I hope everyone is enjoying their extra hour of sleeping/relaxing/etc. I literally think gaining that extra hour makes this one of the best days of the year. Coupled with the fact that it came as a complete surprise to me the night before by randomly reading about it. Oh yeah!! We get an extra HOUR!

Prefacing the rest of this with a TMI warning, which will probably be the case for most of my posts.

I don't know what to think about the UTI sitch now. My peeing is totally back to normal, and the only weird thing is this light whitish/yellow-y mucus discharge, but who know what that could be from? It's not in any significant amount.

This morning I woke up at 5 am having to pee like crazy, so I took those 2 UTI tests, and got the same result on one and 2 negatives on the other. So I think I am probably fine. On Tuesday I'll tell my RE about the WBC being slightly positive and see what he thinks.

The other thing is, the second I woke up, I felt REALLY sick, so nauseous it felt like I had food poisoning, only no fever or chills, just the nausea. Since DH and I had the same dinner (only he had lots more of it!) and he had no reaction whatsoever, I'm guess it couldn't have been from the food . It passed in about 45 minutes with minor actual vomiting. So I am hoping this is a good thing?!

My P4 levels are crappy, despite the 1.5 cc I take daily, Friday's test came back at 20.5. Shouldn't the levels be JUMPING by now? This is the reason why my bb's are not sore. My RE's assistant never got back to me. I'm sort of annoyed, like, hey this is important, and an area where we actually have control! Just put me on suppositories too. I mean, I would literally do anything.

When will I be slightly less stressed out about this?

A new twist

Thanks for your supportive comments on my beta! I have alot of hope/anxiety for Tuesday's u/s. My beta should be over 2500 by then, so we should see the gestational sac and the yolk sac. If not, that's when my next worry stage begins. Evidently in order to see a fetal pole, beta needs to be 5,000+, which unless my doubling time goes into hyper-overdrive, is not very likely to happen.

This is random, but I think I have a Urinary Tract Infection. After the bleeding incident, a couple of people suggested it as a possibility. So this morning, when I realized that I wasn't urinating like a racehorse as per usual, but rather a pathetic two second trickle, and there was an ever-so-slight uncomfortableness, my husband and I decided to do some research. This, coupled with the fact that I was finding I now occasionally have a small amount of light-brownish tinged mucus on the TP after going to the loo. It's always SOMETHING, isn't it?

Some searching showed us that, all signs point to UTI!

We ended up making a dash off to Rite-Aid, where I loudly asked the pharmacist if she had any urinary tract infection tests, which sent my husband running up a different aisle in humiliation, pretending he didn't know me. Turns out no, they did not have any tests! So off we went to CVS where we found a nice variety, and bought a couple. My husband chuckling at how nonchalantly I treat the process. Embarrassing purchases? Please. That's the least of my probs.

Having tried to "cure" my potential UTI on my own, I had been drinking a ton of water all day so my peeing could normalize, which it did - going in the other direction of having to pee so badly every five minutes I wanted to cry. So when I got home, I had more than enough saved to do one of the tests.

What do you know - the "nitrate" test came back negative, while the "white blood cell" presence test came back looking slightly positive. So now I guess I have to call my RE and tell them I may have a UTI. I guess they can give me antibiotics and it's supposed to be safe in pregnancy.

I don't know if the possible UTI has anything to do with the bleeding, but it is interesting that it came about at the same time, is all I am saying.

Still Rising!

Albeit, not as quickly as before. Today's beta is 992 (sooo close to 1000!). So, since I got that third beta at 2 pm rather than 9 am, I had to find a calculator that lets you do the doubling rate using hours rather than just days.

In case anyone ever needs this, it's very useful. But it doesn't work in Firefox, just IE.
http://www.betabase.info/doublingCalc.php

Anyway because I am completely OCD, I put together a beta doubling chart and this is what I found:

Date		Beta		Doubling Rate (hrs)
10/28/07		190
10/30/07		376		48.7
10/31/07*		580		46.38
11/2/07		992		55.53

*beta from mid-afternoon!

Overall doubling rate from Beta 1 - 4: 50.3 hours

So I don't know what to think because it sped up a bit, then slowed down. I think I am still in an ok range though. At least that is what I am holding on to for now. The nurse told me to come back on Tuesday for another beta and an u/s. I asked her what she thought, and she said, "you had a bleeding incident this week, right? Well, it really could go either way." Yikes. Well at least they are not trying to sugar coat anything for me.

Trying to look on the positive side:
The beta did not stay the same.
The beta did not fall!
The beta is slowing but not tremendously.
I am not even spotting anymore! All clear. No more cramps either.

The nurse said if I start bleeding again to call immediately. I am guessing that given this and my previous pregnancy history, if I make it "out of the woods" by getting to the heartbeat stage (which I do not expect on Tuesday! I will only be 5w2d) - I will most certainly need a high-risk OB. Probably not a bad idea to be honest. I'm just assuming that there is still something in there, and it's still making HCG. So that's got to mean something, right? Ok, my attempts at optimism are making me feel a little bit better.

I've been on bed rest for the most part since Wednesday afternoon, working from home. Now that the work week is officially over, I have a mission: catch up on everyone's blogs. That's a fun thing to do!

Updating this to say: I am getting shooting pains through my right breast and nipple. Ow.

In Limbo...

So I have to share my drama with everyone...

Yesterday we had quite a scare and I'm not sure where we stand now. In the middle of the afternoon I felt dizzy and crampy, so I went to the bathroom and realized I was bleeding. Not just a spot, but it was coming out when I urinated. I called the clinic nurses and after ripping off my halloween costume, rushed over for a beta. They said it could be nothing, but it was too early to scan me so we can only do the b/w for now. I guess I bled about a few hours (only when going to the loo) before I got home and got to bedrest, when it slowed down alot and by evening there was just a small brownish spot when I wiped. The cramping stopped overnight. This is still all I am seeing, a small dark brown spot when I wipe after the loo. I never filled a pad.

The beta was 580 with about 29 hours between the tests. The previous one had been 376 so it is still rising normally. I mean I still bled a bit after the test so I don't know what that means. Nothing clotty or clumpy ever came out so I am hoping that's a good sign? Not really sure how to feel, just really scared and staying on bedrest today. They said to rest today and come in Friday AM for another beta, so I guess that will really be the one that tells us if this is going to progress or end at this point. I cried alot yesterday, but now I just don't know how to feel. In my other 2 losses, one was a missed miscarriage and one was a chemical. I just never had the unexpected bleeding before, so this is different and scary.

So that is my crappy Halloween story. I hope everyone had better ones.

Another Milestone

I got my second beta: 376, so that's doubling time of 48.7 hours. They said it was good. Anyway I think I had the test about a half hour earlier than Sunday, so maybe it would have been an exact double if i waited I am still nervous, and asked if I can come back again on Thursday for another beta. I think they think I am crazy, but I honestly don't care. Still not really feeling any more symptoms, so that scares me. If I could really feel something, I think it would alleviate my fears. I won't lie, I wish my doubling time were a bit better, but I guess it is definitely better than the alternative.

I'll still continue to be cautiously optimistic.

To everyone who commented: Thank you so much for your support during this time. I really need you ladies. I look forward to reading over your blogs too, and promise to do it soon.

how many more milestones?

Thanks everyone for your well wishes and congrats. And thanks for understanding how I feel about all of this.

I woke up today nervous and told my husband that "my boobs are not as sore, that's a bad sign." He grilled me about it for a few minutes, saw I was sad, and let it go. We kind of figure, hey, this is what we have to go through. Made the trek into the city to get the beta done a little bit depressing.

Fast forward a couple of hours...

So they called with my beta and it is 190. That's better than the last time so I feel a little ok about it, but my P4 was only 22.5 and my E2 just less than 400. The only real symptom I have is extreme tiredness. So this, of course, given my history, makes me nervous as heck. I asked to go in for early follow up betas and they said of course, so I'm heading back for #2 on Tuesday.

i guess that was implantation spotting?

i poas x2 today, and both were +. i used a digital and a line test. the line started out dark the same as the control. i went back to bed, left the test out and hours later it was lighter. anyway, i had to do it early (like 5 am) because i was in so much pain i was actually having dreams about peeing. i then went back to bed and had really no reaction or emotion about it. my husband woke up and asked me, "well?" and i just said "oh, they're positive."

i just feel numb and worried. sorry if i seem like a jerk, and i realize this is a good thing but having been down this road twice before with bad results, i think i just feel like once again, i have alot to lose. i have official beta tomorrow. i am going to insist on another beta tuesday and then on friday. i want to follow this one so i know if it is falling. in a way, i guess it's good that i don't think it's real. maybe i'll be less hurt if it doesn't work out.

i did sleep 12 hours today though i do love rainy saturdays.

quick update

to my ladies that comment - i adore you. thanks for supporting me.

becca - i would go to the board, but i think it sorta bums me out when a new person comes on and is like "i just started ttc" and that same month they are pg. i mean, other than you and a couple of other women, no one really gets our situations, you know? i just feel safer posting here. i miss alot of you girls though, alot. and i am reading your blog constantly :) your DSS is so adorable, btw.

i still have not POAS but last night after i posted i noticed that i had some very light, brownish spotting. only the tiniest bit, really barely there but definitely something, a little on tp and underwear, and some cramps. it subsided rather quickly, thank god, and so i do not think it is AF starting, because there has been nothing since. i am holding out for the remotest possibility of a wee bit of implantation spotting. i know it's late in the cycle (11DPO) but i've read it can happen days after, it can just take some time to flow down there.

we agreed tomorrow morning is POAS day. i am sure my heart will be beating out of my chest again. thanks for your thoughts & prayers :) i love you all and am wishing the best for you too, my comrades in this most cruel world of IF.

Here I go obsessing

6DP5DT.

I went to SF on a business trip this week and am now back home. Got in at 4 am yesterday, slept for 7 hours, then got up to work from home this afternoon. While I was out there I was too busy to think about it too much, anyway. But since being back, I am OBSESSED. I don't know what symptoms are from the PIO shots and estrogen and what is potentially "real". Help fuel my obsession and help me analyze (warning, some TMI or sensitive material here):

- No nausea whatsoever, until today, I kinda felt a little nausea every time I drank water? That's just weird though.
- No smell aversions, except today my husband got a deli sandwich and pickles and the smell of the pickles immediately bothered me. But pg women LOVE pickles, don't they? Oh no!
- Had some random uterine twinges and mild cramping. Nothing so bad like AF was coming, but a mild version. Sometimes when I move or stretch in certain ways I feel a pulling.
- The girls are sore around the edges, and sometimes nipple sensations, but rarely. Last night on the plane my left nipple felt like it was burning. This has since gone away. And they look the same. The soreness varies in intensity throughout the day. Last night the left one hurt too much to sleep on my stomach. Also sometimes a random stabbing pain/feeling, but mostly fleeting. However: this soreness started before my transfer, so we can be talking about pure progesterone related side effects here.
- Tiredness: Another unreliable metric since I have been back & forth to the west coast 4 x in the past week.

But today I got really emotional like, feeling it didn't work and starting crying to my husband. We agreed, no POAS until 8DP5DT, so that's Saturday. Will save up a nice FMU and see what happens.

Is it too early? I mean, are there people who just KNOW they are pregnant? Do you just know all the time, like, oh I feel pregnant. I mean because I really don't know.

Oh and "Tell Me You Love Me" on HBO - thank you for perpetuating the stereotype that all a couple has to do to get pregnant is stop trying to get pregnant, and then it will happen, poof, just like that on the very next month.

1DP5DT

Here we go again.

Transfer was yesterday. I took the red eye home from Phoenix Thursday night, went to sleep for 4 hours and then got up for the drive into Manhattan. I diligently sipped at my water bottle so I would have the requisite full bladder. Of course, they were almost an hour late, so I was in dire pain! However, the valium certainly helped! I wish they would have given me more. I can see how people get addicted to that stuff. It really makes you feel so nice. Soooo nice.

Anyway I was a little looped when the RE (not my RE, but one who looks like a supermodel and you can't believe she is a doctor) told me that they thawed the rest of my 4 blasts, and one arrested. Coincidentally, it was the day 6-er. I felt sort of bad but at the same time, I knew they would never transfer all four, so in a way this made it easier. No choice, just transfer all three. I got a good look at them up on the big screen. They all had a 95-100% cell survival rate, which is apparently excellent. Supermodel RE said they looked just like fresh embryos. One of the three was HUGE. She was super impressed with that one, saying it was just beautiful. So once again, I have beautiful, happy embryos. So please, at least one of you (the big beautiful one??), make a home in my uterus please! It's nice and comfy in there.
Anyway, the transfer took only a couple of minutes, and she said everything was easy and went well.

I have hope though. How can I not with those little beauties. I just want to say something to them (sappy warning).

Dear little blastocysts:
From the moment I saw you pulsating away on that big screen, I knew what this overwhelming feeling was. It was love. You are the lives we created. Please stay and grow and become a healthy little baby - or babies! And know that we will love you and provide you with everything that you need. We will give you food and shelter and warmth and happiness. We will try not to repeat the same mistakes our own parents made. We will let you grow and develop into the person or the people you want to be. We will treasure you and encourage you. But most of all, you will have our love, and grandparents who are just dying for a grandchild to love and spoil. Can I further entice you? You will have 2 soft, loving, fuzzy, sweet puppies to play with. And you know what? I'll quit my career to stay home with you full time. I promise that to you. I don't want to miss a thing. Not a minute of your lives. I am already attached. Already so in love.

So much for disengaging from my emotions this cycle.

This just gets in the way

of life, of living normally. Don't you agree? I don't know how to do anything outside of work, because it is so overwhelming, and obsessing over my infertility. The reason I haven't posted much is because I've had lackluster news followed by what I consider to be "alarming" news. My immunology tests came back, and everything was fine/negative except a presence of AOA (anti-ovarian antibodies) was found. Seems like it's not too bad according to the titer, but no one will adequately interpret this for me, so I don't know. The allergist/immunologist wants me to take prednisone to suppress the immune response of the ATA's and the AOA's, but said my RE would have to prescribe this. An urgent fax of the results to Mr. World-famous RE yielded this response: This means nothing. You should not have even been tested for this. 1/3 of all women have these antibodies present. We still have an excellent chance of success here. Let's just keep going.

Well, ok. But 1/3 of all women are not experiencing infertility and RPL, so do you think maybe this says something about my problems?

Evidently not.

Ok. So no one will take me seriously! That's great. The Hematologist was so shocked at just how high my TgAb were she couldn't believe my TSH was so low and my thyroid function normal. So, she retested my thyroid function and it was - surprise! - normal as ever. Only going to take 25mcg of synthroid daily as a precautionary measure. So I take matters into my own hands. I read in several places that fish oil is like a natural anti-inflammatory and can reduce things like natural killer cells. I don't even know if I have NKs but given the other 2 things I have tested positive for, I am just going to assume I do. I started taking 2 pills in the morning and 2 at night. Maybe this will act as a suppressant. At least it's something different that I can do. My hematologist said my homocysteine level was too high and doubled my Folgard. And to top things off, I am hetero for one of the MTHFR gene mutations (the least important one). No concern about that either. Look, I know no one is going to come back with 100% completely perfect panels. But I still feel alarmed by some of the antibody stuff. And reading the immunology debates about impact on fertility is leaving me as bewildered as ever.

The other thing is that despite E2 levels over over 1,000, my lining is only about a 7. Not great, although RE thinks it's fine. But what can I do? I am mid-cycle. My transfer is 6 days away, on the 19th. I have to cut a business trip short and take a red-eye flight home to make it. In my heart, I fear this is going to be a waste of my "final four" blastocysts - we will thaw all of them and transfer what makes it, but no more than 3. They would never agree to transfer all four. Even though it's ridiculous, I should get all four transferred since I would be shocked beyond belief even one made it past the first beta with good numbers and a good rise. PIO shots start tomorrow. I'm actually glad to be doing them again. Makes everything feel real.

What I am doing is planning for what is next. I promised my husband I would give world-famous RE one more shot with a fresh cycle if this doesn't work. So I will, but I am also going to make an appointment with Dr. Scher at Mount Sinai. Apparently he is "the" miscarriage doctor, and he doesn't scoff at the immunology issues either. He actually tests for them. Brilliant. But I don't think he is part of the IVF team at RMA, so I would have to figure out how to work with one doctor on the RPL issues without pissing Mr. Famous off. Too many egos in the way. And I just want to get pregnant. Ok no - I want to carry a baby to term. That's more accurate and I don't want to "confuse" any of the gods/forces/etc that may be listening right now. Pregnancy is a good first step, but unless it results in a baby, it doesn't matter much in the end.

Sorry to be out of the loop for so long. I need to catch up on everyone's blogs. Just been in a dark place, so it's hard to get the motivation to write this all up. But I want to have a record of everything, so I need to keep it up. Anyone who is reading this - thank you for your support. I appreciate all of the comments and they really do help me. I'll post again after transfer.

The Third Time's a Charm

That's my mantra this cycle. It has to work because it just has to! It's lucky #3. I am just holding onto that right now.

Day 2 b/w and u/s this morning, everything looks good so I've already started my Estradiol tablets, patch starts on Thursday, and then a follow up on the 4th. If everything looks ok, I'll be scheduled for transfer, probably about a week later. So right now we are perfectly on schedule.

Sitting in the waiting room this morning was terrifying, I kept wanting to cry. Getting up at 6am on a Saturday so I can take the train into Manhattan to get to the clinic for morning monitoring is no picnic. Thankfully (?) I have been so slammed at work that I brought my laptop with me and crunched numbers all morning, so that was a nice distraction.

Yesterday at work I was speaking to a colleague, mid-40s man with 2 kids, and we were talking about how someone else had just had twins. He alluded to the fact that they were due to fertility treatments. So we got to talking about it, and it turns out he and his wife did IVF to get both of their kids! 2 BFNs, then 2 BFP's in a row. They tried IVF #5 for a third but when it didn't work, they decided they were lucky enough and called it quits. I was amazed. He was so open about it, and I told him, you know, you just assume everyone has kids with no problem, and you're like the only one of the people you know going through it. He told me about other people at work I had no idea about. Wow, I can't tell you how much that actually helped.

On another note, "Tell me you love me" on HBO is really starting to get to me. Their pain and fear is mine, and they are actually approaching it in such a realistic way that I have to believe someone close to the show went through this. Thank you once again, HBO, for keeping it real.

So this time I am going to not drink at all since starting the Estradiol. Last time I had a couple of drinks and then read the fine print and realized it's not a good thing. So why do anything to decrease my chances? I'm done with it.

This week will culminate in going to the immunologist to get my results, and the hematologist to review all my bloodwork.

I don't know how to end this post, it's raining and DH is mad at me for not helping around the house, so I better go.

-liw

Frozen Embryo Transfer, Take II

Ah, so today was it, the big consult, which lasted all of 8 minutes on the phone. My RE was pretty direct: you just need a good embryo, your chances are still excellent, let's just keep going! He thinks it's just the luck of the draw and we'll get there, we just have to keep trying.

So, we agreed to do another FET - just thaw the "final four" and see what's best, then transfer 3. We're not going to change anything with the protocol right now, but I will see the hematologist and if she wants to add anything based on my panel results, that's fine with him. So I see her next week, and my immunologist for an update on those tests. I feel like I am finally making progress. Incredible, right? Now all I need is a sustainable pregnancy!

Here's the best part: I can stop taking my last bcp YESTERDAY and just go in on day 2 and start. My estimates are as follows:
AF: arrives Thu/Fri
Day 2: Fri/Sat
Day 14 f/u: Thu 10/4-Fri 10/5
Day 21 transfer: Thu Oct 11th
Beta: Sat 10/20 (if they do a Sat beta? Not sure)

That's not so bad! And I can get this all done (excluding the betas) before my marathon of business trips to the west coast. PHEW. Please let the timing work out this time. But most importantly: PLEASE LET THIS CYCLE ACTUALLY WORK.

Because + HPTs and + betas mean nothing to me anymore. It's amazing, but I probably won't even get that excited for a + HPT and a good first beta. And I will insist on a second beta 2-3 days later. No way I am going to think I am pg for a week only too find out "OOPS! YOUR BETA DROPPED!"

I don't think I'll be that much of a pollyanna to trust it again.

Look how much our trust wanes because of this. I don't like it, but I think being guarded is a matter of protecting yourself.

So here goes.

Testing

Yesterday I went to the immunologist, and she was amazing. She took 10 vials of blood and tested me for everything she possibly could have: ANA, APA, ATA, ACA/IG panel, even AOA and ASA, which I didn't even consider. So, I have to wait two weeks as apparently some of these tests need to get sent to labs in far-away places, like CA. It's interesting to me that NYC doesn't have proper labs to process some of this bloodwork. I mean, come ON. It's NY. Well, in any case, I have a follow up appt in 2 weeks to review the results and determine if further testing is needed. I have to say I am actually relieved, just to have it done and hence another step in the process completed.

In other news, I went to therapy on Monday. This therapist is one of two from my clinic that only sees IF patients. What a relief, and a difference. She not only knows all of the terminology and processes, but she knows my RE, all of them on staff actually, and she can give me advice, quote stats, etc. It is exactly what I need, so I'm going to be going weekly. It's sort of pricey and she is not in my insurance network so I don't think I can get a reimbursement, but I'll just chalk it up to the high financial cost of IF in general.

Tuesday is the appt with my RE, finally. It's taken so long to get here. I am just so ready to get started again. I am finally starting to feel better, spirits lifting, thinking we may actually be able to pull this off, in time.

Work is crazy busy and stressful and I've got alot of new projects, which I admit has been quite good for me. Distracting, anyway. And one of my homework assignments from the new therapist was to stop doing IF research online. So far, so good.

Hope all you ladies out there are doing well.

-liw

Someone actually reads this thing?

Thanks to all the ladies who commented. My husband and I read your supportive comments and your advice and poured over your own blogs. I hope you don't mind if I link to your sites. It's nice to have a support network.

I don't know, this last week and a half has been strange. Sometimes I feel ok, and sometimes I am SAD while other times I am just confused and angry. It's like going through all of the grief stages in no particular order and then cycling through them again. Today I woke up in a panic like, omg, I might never be pregnant again! And even if I do get pg, it might only last for a couple days.

I'm sort of obsessed with the idea of using a surrogate. Sometimes I just want to give up on my own ability to carry a healthy baby of my own and just go down that route. We've been in contact with 2 attorneys and a coordinator at one of the hospital university's in our area that sets these things up. We could actually get moving on this in a couple months. Right now I am trying to be patient for 10 more days. That's when I'll get to have a WTF meeting with my world-famous RE, who was so certain I'd be happily pregnant this time. Huh, well that didn't happen. So now what? I also made an appt with an immunologist who will complete my RPL testing and a hematologist to review my b/w from the thrombophilia panel. Oh, and probably the most important thing: I am going back to therapy, but this time with an psychologist from my clinic who specializes in infertility. That should be better than my last therapist, who hid her own pregnancy from me for 6 months. Nice.

So today I decided to be bitter at celebrities who undeservedly are pregnant. You know who I mean: Nicole Richie. Let's see what kind of a person she is:

- Endangers the lives of others by getting in cars while drunk or high
- Been to rehab more than once for HEROIN addiction
- Sleeps around and I have heard rumors that she has herpes
- Is so vain that she is anorexic, even while she is supposed to be nourishing an unborn child.
- Rude and nasty to people, especially non-famous who she makes fun of to their face, on camera, for a laugh.

My husband got upset the other night because I said I no longer believed in karma.

Well, can you blame me??

It's over

Went in for beta #2, 15DP5DT, and got the result from a fairly negative sounding nurse: "Your beta has dropped. Stopped taking all medication and come back on Friday so we can follow you down to a 0". Apparently my beta was 16. Now, this is why I would have preferred another beta 2-3 days following the original beta. This way I would have known pretty quickly that this pg was not working out. Now I went a week thinking I was pregnant. Hey, I had a strong first beta! Of course this is gonna be it. Wow. What an idiot. I cannot believe how wrong I was.

The worst part is, of course, that we have no clue why this happened. Loss #2. So now what? I called my RE's assistant (he's on vacation) and booked a consult in 3 weeks. She told me I could go ahead and start another FET cycle if I wanted when started my next cycle as long as my beta was negative. My husband and I immediately discussed moving forward right away. I mean, we could be doing this again by next week. But then I started to consider: what is preventing this or something else from happening again? I mean, 2 for 2 is pretty bad odds. I have to believe this has something to do with my elevated thyroglobulin antibodies (for which I am on a very low dose of medication) or some similar immune problem. I am on a mission to get all of the RPL (recurrent pregnancy loss) and immune panel of tests completed before moving forward. This is a difficult decision to make, because since my doctor is out I have no one to order the tests, so this means just WAITING. More waiting. We waited for 5 months, and now we are right back to it. I figure I will go back on the pill when AF arrives so I can eliminate the possibility of cysts on my ovaries and also force a cycle whenever the test results and consultation are completed.

I don't know, I am trying to be practical, but believe me, I am devastated and so, so sad. I am terrified that I can't carry a pregnancy. We've started discussing things like adoption as a real alternative, because maybe I can't have a baby. I also plan to ask the RE about gestational surrogacy. I am sure he will say it is too soon to consider this, but honestly. I transferred 2 great embryos the first time and 3 great ones this time, and I have a blighted ovum and a who-knows-what early m/c to show for it. The embryo that I miscarried was perfectly normal. What else could this mean? I suppose I should be happy that we produce normal embryos. I just may not be able to carry them. The idea of someone else carrying my genetic children for me seems weird. I have always wanted to experience pregnancy to term. But maybe I have to realistically consider the fact that I may never be able to. I guess the point is have the baby, right? I guess I go back to being completely bitter about every pregnant woman I see. Nice way to live.

12DP5DT

So I'm about 4w3d today. No pg symptoms except for the one: bouts of nausea. Brought upon by smells, mostly of food. And the sight of certain foods. This morning I was trying to put the dirty dishes in the dishwasher and couldn't stop gagging. Take a break, try again. No use! Yesterday at work was worse. I was in an elevator and it was warm, and someone had their lunch, it smelled like fish and I almost lost it. Then later I smelled a BAGEL and I nearly puked. I've lost 3 lbs this week, and not from actually throwing up, just because there is so little I can actually tolerate. It's really interesting to me that this is the one pregnancy symptom I am experiencing, pretty early at that, and everything else feels pretty much the same. Only I am getting some occasional uterine twinges/cramps, and leg cramps! Who knows what that's from. Still obsessed with the fact that my bb's are not sore and not changing. That better come soon. Anyway at least all these near-puking incidents have me feeling better (ironic?) about being pregnant. Please let my next beta prove a good doubling rate!!

The Beta is in!

I had a strange feeling of calm today, even while I got my beta hcg blood test drawn. The nurse asked me if I cheated to which I replied yes, and told her the outcome. She said that was good, but they look for a certain level, and too low can be bad. They like to see at least 50. She said they get the results around 11:30-12, and call the pregnancy tests in first. So at like 11:30 this am, the lovely nurse called and said, "Congratulations, you're pregnant! You were right!" I literally gasped. Here are the numbers:

E2: 405
Prog: 24.5
Beta HCG: 123

So, I'm satisfied. My next beta is in a week, 8/29. I don't know how I can wait it out but maybe it's better than having a beta every 2 days. That can be really nerve wracking as I recall. The u/s will be the following week if all seems well with the numbers from beta #2. Yikes! I can't believe this worked. Not going to get too optimistic since I know all too well how this can play out. But it looks good so far. Thank you. Thank you. THANK YOU!

CBE w/ FMU @ 8DP5DT = BFP!!!

That's right. This morning at approximately 5:15 am (OMG - the time of my actual BIRTH, on my BDAY!) I woke up and decided this is it. I am going to take an HPT. I decided the night before that IF I did it, I would use the Clear Blue Easy Digital Test, which is the one that pops up "Pregnant" or "Not Pregnant". This way, there are no lines to obsess about ("Is it there? Is it dark enough??") No, I just wanted to know one way or another. So, with my heart nearly pounding out of my chest, I gave it a good 5 seconds of pee and set it down. The hourglass started flashing. I know from previous experience that the longer it takes, the worse the possibility is for a negative. It can take up to 3 minutes. I look away. Glance back. Still going. Glance away again and then look back. The little screen has come to a conclusion. And it says "PREGNANT". Maybe took 20-30 seconds to pop up. WOW. I shake, and then start screaming to my husband, who is fast asleep. "I'm PREGNANT! Oh My God!" He wakes up startled but immediately gets what's going on.

We told my mom, my dad and my husband's parents since they have been on board every step of the way. Everyone else will have to wait till the first trimester is completed. I am still in shock, but it's settling in. Now we have the quantitative beta blood test tomorrow. Praying it is high enough to be sustainable and progresses well. I feel like of course there is alot on the line now, but this is a good sign and a good first step.

Other symptoms: Not much really. I have a few small whiteish pimply things on my aereolas. And am still a bit dizzy/tired and have an on/off again headache. Left BB is still sore on the outside only, but that's it for that department. Last time they were painfully sore, and look how that turned out. So, every pregnancy is different I guess. Maybe this is the right one for me. Please let it be.

7DP5DT

I still refuse to POAS. Mostly because I am terrified of ending what last shred of hope I may have. We debated about it for about an hour last night, whether we should do it this morning or not. Ended up in the "not" category, even though the test should be about 90% accurate at this point if I use a FMU (first morning urine).

I didn't really have any compelling symptoms yesterday, and I am totally freaked out that my bb's are not getting sore/itchy like the last time. I will say, sadly, I am not holding out too much hope at this point. We have already decided to save the 4 embryos that are in cryopreservation and move forward with a fresh cycle next. I want to KEEP those good embryos and keep making more. I know I am capable of producing alot of eggs and embryos. In case we need to move on to a gestational surrogate if a couple more times proves that I cannot get or keep a pregnancy, I want to make sure I have enough good embryos for that option. It seems emotionally devastating to say that. But in the end I guess I should just be thankful that DH and I make good embryos together, and that we have the money to be able to pursue other options, like surrogacy, if we have to.

It's still hard. I want to move on but now it's getting scarier. Like, why isn't this working?

I don't trust my body

My transfer was last Monday 8/13. It was amazing actually, I had the requisite perfectly full bladder, and the three blasts the embryologist thawed for transfer all made it, and looked "very good". The were rated 5AB, 5BA, and 5BC. So, couldn't really get that much better from that perspective. Four blasts still in cryopreservation. My little bit of insurance. It makes me feel so much better just to know I have them, and that they survive the thaw so well (fingers crossed).

I went home and stayed pretty horizontal for 2 days. Although I later read it means nothing and is fairly useless. If the embies are going to implant, then they will. However, I was being cautious and figured well, it can't HURT now can it??

The one event that freaked me out was an unintentional O (read: orgasm) just a day after the xfer. I thought that was it for sure. However, my clinic said it's ok to resume intercourse the next day, and when I told the nurse she was completely unconcerned, saying that if anything, it would improve the bloodflow to the uterus. I PRAY she is right.

So here's the irritatingly annoying time line of obsessiveness:
1DP5DT: Freaking out over unintentional O.
2DP5DT: Hmm, are my bb's sore on the side? Not really, just the left one. And it's an actual lump, probably for all the estrogen meds. Lovely.
3DP5DT: I'm feeling twinges and mild cramps, and dizziness. Especially when standing after sitting. Here's where I do the most ridiculous thing and take an HPT after I get home from work. Not only that, but I pee first, wait like 20 minutes and then decide to take the test. So not only are we WAY early (I later read that only 5% of pregnancies have HCG detectable at this point), but I use a late day urine and one that is post-an earlier recent urine. I needed 5 seconds, I barely had a weak stream of 3 seconds. Well, of COURSE it was BFN. And of COURSE I was still devastated. So was my husband. I cried myself to sleep and we vowed: no more peeing on sticks until beta day! We can't take the disappointment or the mind games.
4DP5DT: Wake up at 5 am with a low level nausea. This gassiness that kind of pushes up through my esophagus. This lasts for awhile, maybe 30 minutes. Later that day, I eat vanilla frozen yogurt in the late afternoon, as I do on most work days, but this time about 2 minutes after eating it, I feel like I am going to puke. I run to the restroom only to gag and dry heave, but nothing comes up. I feel nausea on and off all day, but never to that extreme again. When I go to the grocery store I pass the ice cream aisle and it all rushed back. The cramps and dizziness continue.
5DP5DT: Same with the dizziness and the cramps. Get an occasional weird metal taste in mouth. Find it strange and do not even realize it is a potential pg symptom until I read about it later. At dinner, an expensive pasta restaurant, I eat a small amount and become very ill feeling, fleeing again to the bathroom, where I gag and dry heave. Nothing comes up. Hmm. Later that night I find one little spot of brownish blood on my black underwear, followed by AF like cramps, but not too bad, for maybe 1-2 hours. No more blood after that. It really was an unremarkable amount to begin with, so I doubt it could even be considered implantation spotting. Maybe a spot.
6DP5DT: Yes, I know I could legitimately begin testing again today or tomorrow with more accurate results. But I am terrified. Today I get the mild AF like cramping again for about an hour or 2. Also feeling the twinges on and off. No more gassiness, but some tiredness/dizziness. No nausea today but I am not very hungry. When I am, it's only for very dry, carby things like bagels and cookies. I don't want anything else.

Let's see what tomorrow will bring...

My one concern, although I think the post-meal nausea is a really great sign, is that my bb's are not really effected - with the exception of the left side lump, which is more disconcerting than anything else. Last time they were crazy sore and itchy, so much that they woke me up in the middle of the night. Only I can't remember when this started to happen? Also, since I had HCG in my system for 4 months after the miscarriage, I wonder if my body is just used to it on some level? I mean, I still had a + beta 5 weeks ago! So who knows. A crazy theory, but possible?

I'll keep updating this for my own posterity, and for anyone else who is interested of course :)

Finally moving forward

So I had the hysteroscopy on 7/11, and it went incredibly well. Evidently there was leftover tissue from my miscarriage. My RE was amazing, I was barely in any pain post-surgery, and never even had any bleeding other than minor spotting for a couple days.

He suggested that I stay on the pill for another week and a half, and then start my cycle. So, that's exactly what I did. I went to the clinic on day 2 for b/w and u/s. Luckily, everything was perfect, so I began taking estrogen pills. We ran into some minor snafu's however, including the endless trail of paperwork necessary to transport my embryo's across town from one clinic to the other. Luckily it all worked out, and our 7 frozen ones are safely in their new home. That is one HUGE relief. We also had to repeat some infectious disease bloodwork that somehow never made it from the first clinic to the second, but that's ok, it's all done now. And I feel so relieved.

Next step is to go in this Monday for my day 14 b/w and u/s. Then I will begin progesterone shots and they will give me a transfer date, which should be by the following weekend. I spoke to my RE today, and gave him my preference for transferring 3 embies. He's going to inform the lab. Given my neurosis, I have taken to using my Clear Blue Easy fertility monitor to insure that my estrogen is rising like it should. And it is. I got a high reading today. PHEW. Please let this all work out...Please.

I estimate that if the transfer is done on 8/11, then my beta test should be 8/20 - the day before my birthday. I am scared for the wait between the transfer and the beta, because now that I know what it feels like to be pregnant - the ridiculously sore bb's, the exhaustion and the morning sickness - I am afraid that I will be analyzing every single symptom during my wait. And of course, I will. And I don't know HOW I am going to resist the evil HPTs. Last cycle I started taking them at 4DP5DT - and getting light positives. I was so confident that time. Of course it would work. It had to work. And I guess it sort of did...

I am getting ahead of myself. I need to make it to the transfer first, and then start worrying about what I call "phase 2" problems. Here's how I see it:

Phase 1: The cycle itself - getting through it and making it to the transfer successfully
Phase 2: The waiting period between the transfer and the beta
Phase 3: Post-beta (if this is positive, then...)
Phase 4: More betas leading up to the first u/s
Phase 5: Post-first u/s into heartbeat, end of First trimester
Phase 6: The final frontier. Made it past the first tri obstacles. Can breathe a little easier now.

I never really got to enjoy any of the stages with my last pregnancy, it was so precarious from the beginning, and it ended before the heartbeat. So I need to pace myself this time and take it one stage/phase at a time. But I am famous for speculating and worrying about anything and everything that could happen in the future.

Hmm. Well, please pray for me. We'll need your thoughts and prayers to make it through this one.

So who doesn't blog about their infertility?

Evidently, I haven't been. But that's all going to change today.

Here's the whole story - thus far:

My husband and I have been married for 4 years, and started Trying to Conceive (TTC) in December 2005. I'd been off the pill for a few months at the advice of my (really awful) doctor. I had a few rather long cycles, and then they just stopped. Poof. Nothing. I can't say I was surprised. My cycles started getting inconsistent from the time I started college. I would get them every 2 weeks, and then not again for 4-6 months. I can't tell you how many pregnancy scares I had. Of course, they were completely unwarranted, because I never got pregnant, even accidentally. When I went on the pill I was like clockwork for 10 years, but I always had the suspicion that getting pregnant was going to take some work. That is the understatement of the year. Sure, I'll pop some clomid and pop out twins, right? No way.

When we first started TTC and my cycles vanished, I went to the "bad" gynecologist who doubles as an RE with her own practice. She diagnosed me correctly, with Polycystoic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), although she refused to treat me with Metformin, the usual and proven treatment for PCOS, stating that since I was "thin" and didn't have any other PCOS symptoms short of anovulation and cyctic ovaries, it was useless. She made me get an MRI, which of course showed nothing. Then she gave me clomid, with no cycle, and of course it didn't work. Nothing happened. I wasted four months with this women, waiting weeks for appointments and follow ups when she went out of town.

Finally, a newly pregnant friend told me to stop screwing around. She had PCOS and went to a reputable university clinic in NYC. She was like me, tall and thin with no other symptoms. So, I made an appt with her Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) and finally started to get somewhere. He is a PCOS expert and understood that Metformin was the right treatment to try out, even if I wasn't a typical PCOS patient. Within several weeks I got Aunt Flow (AF), and started cycling on my own. I was even ovulating (the Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor showed me this much!) My husband (DH) and I started trying on our own. However after a couple of cycles I went back to my new RE and we discussed the options and agreed IVF was the way to go.

Starting the IVF Journey

Before starting, there are a battery of tests you need to go through. I had a (very painful) Saline Hysterogram which revealed a poplyp-free, normal and happy uterus. Yay! At least I got something right. We went through the required immunity testing, genetic testing and STD testing. All clear. We were ready to start.

So last summer, on my next cycle day 2, on my 32nd bday, I trekked into my clinic, meds all ordered and ready to inject. I was beyond excited. Had my blood drawn for Follicle Stimulating Hormone (FSH) and Estradiol (E2) (my FSH is always good, from 4-5), and had an ultrasound (u/s). Unfortunately, I had a cyst and we were unable to start. As soon as the RE left the room, I started to cry. I had waited about 9 months, gotten ready, and now this? Worst birthday ever!

I requested to be put on the pill. My natural metformin cycles were long (~35 days), and I wanted to make sure that the cyst was eliminated. I wanted to be sure, and I was scared to start - so we waited for 4 months. Of course I did a great deal of research and I thought that being on the pill for that long might improve my egg quality as well. Worth a shot anyway.

When I finally gathered up the nerve to start a new cycle, it was Jan 2007. Day 2 u/s - no cysts! Antral follicle count is great. FSH nice and low. Ready to start for real this time?

Injections are a funny thing. I went to the injections class twice, the second time with DH. He was really eager to be involved and insisted on doing all my shots for me. We started with 2 weeks of the lupron and learned a quick lesson: leg injections are bad. Maybe not for everyone, but for me. I bruised up so much it looked like I had been in an accident. The bruises took weeks to clear up. so, we stuck to the stomach. Mine is relatively flat, but you can still pinch enough to stick a small needle in! So we couldn't really rotate the injection site once the stims started.

Anyway, I got my requisite Lupron period, went in for an updated u/s and b/w, and everything looked good. Now to start the stims. My doctor, concerned with Ovarian Hyper Stimulation Syndrome (OHSS - something that commonly happens to tin PCOS-ers), put me on 150 mg of gonal-f with reduced lupron to keep from ovulating. We did the injections for four days and had another checkup. All was looking good. We kept going until day 12 of the stims. I had so many follicles from 16-24 that I lost count. My lining was good at 9. I was instructed to do the HCG trigger that Monday night and come back for retrieval on Wednesday morning.

The HCG trigger was nerve wracking. You need to mix stuff, and if you screw it up, you are literally completely screwed. We thought we screwed it up. Something happened where DH almost injected it into the air accidentally, by the way he was holding it. We were 30 minutes late from our scheduled injection time. Timing is everything for this shot! I was scared and sad and nervous. But, we went in at the scheduled time on Wednesday for retrieval. Wouldn't you know, but they were a little late taking us in so my fears were alleviated.

The egg retrieval (ER) procedure was terrifying to me for several reasons.

1. It was the first time I had ever been put under with anesthesia.
2. What if they don't get any eggs?!
3. This is really it. The true test. I am scared.

The anesthesiologist at the clinic university is un-be-liev-able. I never felt a thing. I was out, and then I was up and being wheeled into recovery. I wasn't even woozy. The nurses said I was the most alert person they have seen post-surgery.

I felt fine at first. The RE - medical director of the clinic - who did my ER- came by with the news:

28 actual eggs!

I said: "That's alot, right?"

He just smiled and said, "that's pretty good."

And I knew it was good, because the woman next to me had 9. Then the next woman to be wheeled out had 12. Ha! I had beat them all.

But 28 eggs has a price. Soon after the joyous news, the pain started. REALLY bad, intense cramping on the left side. My RE said they got most of the eggs from the left side. That was probably why. Well, it felt like I was kicked in the ovaries by Beckham. The anesthesiologist came by and injected me with something nice, which made the pain subside. For a short time.

OHSS is NOT fun
Recovery from ER was a long, painful process. I couldn't pee because everything was so sore. I thought that whatever stuff was inside would fall out. I don't even know what stuff. Whatever. It felt awful. I had some pretty bad symptoms: intense sweating, hearing problems, huge, swollen belly. About a week after ER I looked easily 6 months pregnant. I was going back and forth to the clinic for OHSS bloodwork and IV's. I missed 2 weeks of work because I couldn't really walk. I had moderate/severe OHSS. I was sipping gallons of gatorade and eating bags ofsalt & vinegar chips with the intention of getting the fluid to drain. After about a week I was getting up to pee about 10 times a night, and when I woke up I would look almost normal again, but then I would slowly bloat up again throughout the day. What a miserable experience! I cried. Alot. Swore I would never do an ER again. Well, we say lots of things we don't mean when we're in pain I guess. Because looking back on it now, it's minor really.

The only oasis in my pain was the news that out of my 28 eggs, 24 were mature and 22 fertilized! They were looking good, with no abnormalities. They were confident with so many embryos that we could push from 3-day to 5-day blasts.

5 days after ER I took my bloated, swollen body to the clinic for the transfer. We had lots of blasts and they selected the 2 best - 5AA - for transfer. It went smoothly and we were excited and fill with hope.

The next day we found out they decided to freeze 7 more excellent quality blasts. Luckily, this clinic has very high freezing standards for embryos and their thaw rate is about 90%, which is amazing. A little insurance for the future.

The Official 2WW

My OHSS continued, which I was told was a good sign, since it is aggravated by HCG (pregnancy hormone).

At 4DP5DT, I took my first, very early Home Pregnancy Test (HPT). It was positive (BFP!), but just slightly. And that could have been leftover from the trigger shot. But I just *felt* pregnant.

The roller coaster that ensued after this was not pretty. Subsequent tests all came back "mostly" negative (BFN). I was a disaster. How could this not have worked? I had 2 amazing blasts. What went wrong??

Interesting News
I didn't sleep the night before my beta. I cried alot. Went in the next morning to have the beta (beta HCG blood pregnancy test). It was a Friday.

The nurse called me at work.

Nurse: "I am afraid I don't have good news about your beta"

Me: "I know"

Nurse: "You do?"

Me: "Yes. I took HPTs so I expected this"

Nurse: "Well, it's 9. That's technically positive but we like to see over 50 at this point. Come in again on Monday so we can make sure it is back to 0 and you can start your FET".

Me: "Should I stop taking the progesterone?"

Nurse: "Yes. Wait." Pause "No. Keep taking it until we have Monday's results."

Me: Devastated. What is this? 9?! I would rather have 0 and be ready to start my Frozen cycle (FET) quickly.

The weekend was rough. I had a glass of wine. It didn't help. DH and I were sad and I cried. Constantly. I would say that I was inconsolable.

I write this from my point of view, but I know how hard this was on him.

I just wanted him to be a dad.

The Beta Chronicles
Much to everyone's surprise, beta #2 was positive. 32. Hmm.

Beta #3,4,5 etc kept doubling and getting higher and higher.

An RE called and said, it could have been a late implantation but as long as the numbers are doubling, this is a good sign. We scheduled an ultrasound.

So I was pregnant? Interesting. I certainly felt pregnant. Light headed, boobs so sore I couldn't even stand the thought of them touching anything. Nausea every morning. Exhausted at night.

Wow.

Pregnant!!

Me, DH and my mom all think it is a boy. Just have that feeling.

My u/s showed one sac, measuring on target. But he couldn't see a heatbeat yet (h/b) and said that was ok because it could be too early. I was to come back in a week.

Not so good news
I had a not so great feeling when the day before my next u/s, all my pregnancy symptoms just disappeared. No sore boobs, no more exhaustion. In fact, I had lots of energy. Uh oh.

The next morning u/s, the sac was measuring the same as before, still no heartbeat. This was bad news, I knew it before the RE even said anything. They started looking at this little chart to determine my due date, saying "hmm". And I just knew.

Me: "This is a bad sign right?"

RE: Comes over, puts her hand on mine. "Yes. I am so sorry"

Me: Cry cry cry.

RE tells me the options. I could wait to miscarry or have a D&C. Sometimes waiting can take a long time. Like weeks or more. UGH. Really?

So now I have to walk around with a embryo-less sack in my uterus?

The irony is my beta is sky high now. It didn't quite double but almost. Another RE calls and says to please come back in 2 days for another u/s, JUST to make sure.

I know it's the end, but I agree.

2 agonizing days pass and we go in for the next u/s. It's the medical director RE again. He explains what we already know. We could wait to miscarry, or we could have a D&C. The upside to option #2: he says he will do a pathology on the tissue. I tell him I want a D&C, I don't want to wait.

The end of my pregnancy
At 8w6d, I have the D&C. I'm in pain after. But, relieved it's over. The pain subsides after about an hour with another one of those amazing shots from the anesthesiologist.

That feeling of "relief" doesn't last.

I am moody, upset. Doing things like throwing furniture around. My hormones are insane. My beta drops from 14,000 at last check to 1,000. But that was the biggest drop.

It takes three months for my beta to drop. And it never quite gets to 0. Last official beta: 8.

Next Steps
Here's the thing about a slow dropping beta:

1. You can't do anything about it
2. You can't do anything about TTC again until it is below 5.

So every bloody week I get a beta. It's dropping sooooo slow.

Frustration, thy name is miscarriage.

We meet with my RE. He puts me back on the pill to try to get my cycles normal, since they can be wonky after a m/c. I bled for about 2 weeks after then it stopped.

I ask the RE for some additional tests. He doesn't think it's necessary yet, but agrees to re-test my thyroid function since I have these pesky antibodies. The TSH and other functions are perfectly normal, just these elevated antibodies, and they can contribute to a miscarriage. He puts me on a low dose of synthroid. I'll stay on this throughout the next cycle as well.

If that ever happens.

I ask for another SHG. He doesn't think it's necessary. Tells me my uterus is fine.

In the meantime, I make another appt with one of the top RE's in NYC at another university.
I wait 2 months for the appointment.

Pathology

The pathology report finally comes back. Normal XY karyotype. No genetic or chromosomal problems.

Am told the reason for the miscarriage is "a mystery".

This is exactly what you do NOT want to hear from a doctor. Ever.

A New Hope
DH and I go to see the new RE at university clinic #2. Wow. He is incredible. Completely on the same page as me. Tests me for all of the miscarriage and blood clotting b/w that I wanted. Suggests another SHG to make sure my uterus is in good condition to proceed with another cycle. My u/s looks good, but just in case. We schedule that for the following week.

The SHG is less painful then the first time.

But...

The RE found a polyp. It has to be removed with a hysteroscopy.

It went like this:

RE: "See this? That's a polyp or leftover tissue from the miscarriage. You'd have a hard time getting pregnant with something like that in your uterus. You could have gone through cycle after failed cycle with no pregnancies and we would have kept wondering why. I'm really glad we did this."

Me: Stunned silence. "Wow. Me too."

I can't believe I could have potentially wasted my 7 precious, precious frozen embies on a hostile uterus.

My hysteroscopy is scheduled for Wednesday 7/11. Next update then.

-liw