Saturday, September 22, 2007

The Third Time's a Charm

That's my mantra this cycle. It has to work because it just has to! It's lucky #3. I am just holding onto that right now.

Day 2 b/w and u/s this morning, everything looks good so I've already started my Estradiol tablets, patch starts on Thursday, and then a follow up on the 4th. If everything looks ok, I'll be scheduled for transfer, probably about a week later. So right now we are perfectly on schedule.

Sitting in the waiting room this morning was terrifying, I kept wanting to cry. Getting up at 6am on a Saturday so I can take the train into Manhattan to get to the clinic for morning monitoring is no picnic. Thankfully (?) I have been so slammed at work that I brought my laptop with me and crunched numbers all morning, so that was a nice distraction.

Yesterday at work I was speaking to a colleague, mid-40s man with 2 kids, and we were talking about how someone else had just had twins. He alluded to the fact that they were due to fertility treatments. So we got to talking about it, and it turns out he and his wife did IVF to get both of their kids! 2 BFNs, then 2 BFP's in a row. They tried IVF #5 for a third but when it didn't work, they decided they were lucky enough and called it quits. I was amazed. He was so open about it, and I told him, you know, you just assume everyone has kids with no problem, and you're like the only one of the people you know going through it. He told me about other people at work I had no idea about. Wow, I can't tell you how much that actually helped.

On another note, "Tell me you love me" on HBO is really starting to get to me. Their pain and fear is mine, and they are actually approaching it in such a realistic way that I have to believe someone close to the show went through this. Thank you once again, HBO, for keeping it real.

So this time I am going to not drink at all since starting the Estradiol. Last time I had a couple of drinks and then read the fine print and realized it's not a good thing. So why do anything to decrease my chances? I'm done with it.

This week will culminate in going to the immunologist to get my results, and the hematologist to review all my bloodwork.

I don't know how to end this post, it's raining and DH is mad at me for not helping around the house, so I better go.


Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Frozen Embryo Transfer, Take II

Ah, so today was it, the big consult, which lasted all of 8 minutes on the phone. My RE was pretty direct: you just need a good embryo, your chances are still excellent, let's just keep going! He thinks it's just the luck of the draw and we'll get there, we just have to keep trying.

So, we agreed to do another FET - just thaw the "final four" and see what's best, then transfer 3. We're not going to change anything with the protocol right now, but I will see the hematologist and if she wants to add anything based on my panel results, that's fine with him. So I see her next week, and my immunologist for an update on those tests. I feel like I am finally making progress. Incredible, right? Now all I need is a sustainable pregnancy!

Here's the best part: I can stop taking my last bcp YESTERDAY and just go in on day 2 and start. My estimates are as follows:
AF: arrives Thu/Fri
Day 2: Fri/Sat
Day 14 f/u: Thu 10/4-Fri 10/5
Day 21 transfer: Thu Oct 11th
Beta: Sat 10/20 (if they do a Sat beta? Not sure)

That's not so bad! And I can get this all done (excluding the betas) before my marathon of business trips to the west coast. PHEW. Please let the timing work out this time. But most importantly: PLEASE LET THIS CYCLE ACTUALLY WORK.

Because + HPTs and + betas mean nothing to me anymore. It's amazing, but I probably won't even get that excited for a + HPT and a good first beta. And I will insist on a second beta 2-3 days later. No way I am going to think I am pg for a week only too find out "OOPS! YOUR BETA DROPPED!"

I don't think I'll be that much of a pollyanna to trust it again.

Look how much our trust wanes because of this. I don't like it, but I think being guarded is a matter of protecting yourself.

So here goes.

Thursday, September 13, 2007


Yesterday I went to the immunologist, and she was amazing. She took 10 vials of blood and tested me for everything she possibly could have: ANA, APA, ATA, ACA/IG panel, even AOA and ASA, which I didn't even consider. So, I have to wait two weeks as apparently some of these tests need to get sent to labs in far-away places, like CA. It's interesting to me that NYC doesn't have proper labs to process some of this bloodwork. I mean, come ON. It's NY. Well, in any case, I have a follow up appt in 2 weeks to review the results and determine if further testing is needed. I have to say I am actually relieved, just to have it done and hence another step in the process completed.

In other news, I went to therapy on Monday. This therapist is one of two from my clinic that only sees IF patients. What a relief, and a difference. She not only knows all of the terminology and processes, but she knows my RE, all of them on staff actually, and she can give me advice, quote stats, etc. It is exactly what I need, so I'm going to be going weekly. It's sort of pricey and she is not in my insurance network so I don't think I can get a reimbursement, but I'll just chalk it up to the high financial cost of IF in general.

Tuesday is the appt with my RE, finally. It's taken so long to get here. I am just so ready to get started again. I am finally starting to feel better, spirits lifting, thinking we may actually be able to pull this off, in time.

Work is crazy busy and stressful and I've got alot of new projects, which I admit has been quite good for me. Distracting, anyway. And one of my homework assignments from the new therapist was to stop doing IF research online. So far, so good.

Hope all you ladies out there are doing well.


Saturday, September 8, 2007

Someone actually reads this thing?

Thanks to all the ladies who commented. My husband and I read your supportive comments and your advice and poured over your own blogs. I hope you don't mind if I link to your sites. It's nice to have a support network.

I don't know, this last week and a half has been strange. Sometimes I feel ok, and sometimes I am SAD while other times I am just confused and angry. It's like going through all of the grief stages in no particular order and then cycling through them again. Today I woke up in a panic like, omg, I might never be pregnant again! And even if I do get pg, it might only last for a couple days.

I'm sort of obsessed with the idea of using a surrogate. Sometimes I just want to give up on my own ability to carry a healthy baby of my own and just go down that route. We've been in contact with 2 attorneys and a coordinator at one of the hospital university's in our area that sets these things up. We could actually get moving on this in a couple months. Right now I am trying to be patient for 10 more days. That's when I'll get to have a WTF meeting with my world-famous RE, who was so certain I'd be happily pregnant this time. Huh, well that didn't happen. So now what? I also made an appt with an immunologist who will complete my RPL testing and a hematologist to review my b/w from the thrombophilia panel. Oh, and probably the most important thing: I am going back to therapy, but this time with an psychologist from my clinic who specializes in infertility. That should be better than my last therapist, who hid her own pregnancy from me for 6 months. Nice.

So today I decided to be bitter at celebrities who undeservedly are pregnant. You know who I mean: Nicole Richie. Let's see what kind of a person she is:

- Endangers the lives of others by getting in cars while drunk or high
- Been to rehab more than once for HEROIN addiction
- Sleeps around and I have heard rumors that she has herpes
- Is so vain that she is anorexic, even while she is supposed to be nourishing an unborn child.
- Rude and nasty to people, especially non-famous who she makes fun of to their face, on camera, for a laugh.

My husband got upset the other night because I said I no longer believed in karma.

Well, can you blame me??