Wednesday, August 29, 2007

It's over

Went in for beta #2, 15DP5DT, and got the result from a fairly negative sounding nurse: "Your beta has dropped. Stopped taking all medication and come back on Friday so we can follow you down to a 0". Apparently my beta was 16. Now, this is why I would have preferred another beta 2-3 days following the original beta. This way I would have known pretty quickly that this pg was not working out. Now I went a week thinking I was pregnant. Hey, I had a strong first beta! Of course this is gonna be it. Wow. What an idiot. I cannot believe how wrong I was.

The worst part is, of course, that we have no clue why this happened. Loss #2. So now what? I called my RE's assistant (he's on vacation) and booked a consult in 3 weeks. She told me I could go ahead and start another FET cycle if I wanted when started my next cycle as long as my beta was negative. My husband and I immediately discussed moving forward right away. I mean, we could be doing this again by next week. But then I started to consider: what is preventing this or something else from happening again? I mean, 2 for 2 is pretty bad odds. I have to believe this has something to do with my elevated thyroglobulin antibodies (for which I am on a very low dose of medication) or some similar immune problem. I am on a mission to get all of the RPL (recurrent pregnancy loss) and immune panel of tests completed before moving forward. This is a difficult decision to make, because since my doctor is out I have no one to order the tests, so this means just WAITING. More waiting. We waited for 5 months, and now we are right back to it. I figure I will go back on the pill when AF arrives so I can eliminate the possibility of cysts on my ovaries and also force a cycle whenever the test results and consultation are completed.

I don't know, I am trying to be practical, but believe me, I am devastated and so, so sad. I am terrified that I can't carry a pregnancy. We've started discussing things like adoption as a real alternative, because maybe I can't have a baby. I also plan to ask the RE about gestational surrogacy. I am sure he will say it is too soon to consider this, but honestly. I transferred 2 great embryos the first time and 3 great ones this time, and I have a blighted ovum and a who-knows-what early m/c to show for it. The embryo that I miscarried was perfectly normal. What else could this mean? I suppose I should be happy that we produce normal embryos. I just may not be able to carry them. The idea of someone else carrying my genetic children for me seems weird. I have always wanted to experience pregnancy to term. But maybe I have to realistically consider the fact that I may never be able to. I guess the point is have the baby, right? I guess I go back to being completely bitter about every pregnant woman I see. Nice way to live.

Saturday, August 25, 2007


So I'm about 4w3d today. No pg symptoms except for the one: bouts of nausea. Brought upon by smells, mostly of food. And the sight of certain foods. This morning I was trying to put the dirty dishes in the dishwasher and couldn't stop gagging. Take a break, try again. No use! Yesterday at work was worse. I was in an elevator and it was warm, and someone had their lunch, it smelled like fish and I almost lost it. Then later I smelled a BAGEL and I nearly puked. I've lost 3 lbs this week, and not from actually throwing up, just because there is so little I can actually tolerate. It's really interesting to me that this is the one pregnancy symptom I am experiencing, pretty early at that, and everything else feels pretty much the same. Only I am getting some occasional uterine twinges/cramps, and leg cramps! Who knows what that's from. Still obsessed with the fact that my bb's are not sore and not changing. That better come soon. Anyway at least all these near-puking incidents have me feeling better (ironic?) about being pregnant. Please let my next beta prove a good doubling rate!!

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

The Beta is in!

I had a strange feeling of calm today, even while I got my beta hcg blood test drawn. The nurse asked me if I cheated to which I replied yes, and told her the outcome. She said that was good, but they look for a certain level, and too low can be bad. They like to see at least 50. She said they get the results around 11:30-12, and call the pregnancy tests in first. So at like 11:30 this am, the lovely nurse called and said, "Congratulations, you're pregnant! You were right!" I literally gasped. Here are the numbers:

E2: 405
Prog: 24.5
Beta HCG: 123

So, I'm satisfied. My next beta is in a week, 8/29. I don't know how I can wait it out but maybe it's better than having a beta every 2 days. That can be really nerve wracking as I recall. The u/s will be the following week if all seems well with the numbers from beta #2. Yikes! I can't believe this worked. Not going to get too optimistic since I know all too well how this can play out. But it looks good so far. Thank you. Thank you. THANK YOU!

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

CBE w/ FMU @ 8DP5DT = BFP!!!

That's right. This morning at approximately 5:15 am (OMG - the time of my actual BIRTH, on my BDAY!) I woke up and decided this is it. I am going to take an HPT. I decided the night before that IF I did it, I would use the Clear Blue Easy Digital Test, which is the one that pops up "Pregnant" or "Not Pregnant". This way, there are no lines to obsess about ("Is it there? Is it dark enough??") No, I just wanted to know one way or another. So, with my heart nearly pounding out of my chest, I gave it a good 5 seconds of pee and set it down. The hourglass started flashing. I know from previous experience that the longer it takes, the worse the possibility is for a negative. It can take up to 3 minutes. I look away. Glance back. Still going. Glance away again and then look back. The little screen has come to a conclusion. And it says "PREGNANT". Maybe took 20-30 seconds to pop up. WOW. I shake, and then start screaming to my husband, who is fast asleep. "I'm PREGNANT! Oh My God!" He wakes up startled but immediately gets what's going on.

We told my mom, my dad and my husband's parents since they have been on board every step of the way. Everyone else will have to wait till the first trimester is completed. I am still in shock, but it's settling in. Now we have the quantitative beta blood test tomorrow. Praying it is high enough to be sustainable and progresses well. I feel like of course there is alot on the line now, but this is a good sign and a good first step.

Other symptoms: Not much really. I have a few small whiteish pimply things on my aereolas. And am still a bit dizzy/tired and have an on/off again headache. Left BB is still sore on the outside only, but that's it for that department. Last time they were painfully sore, and look how that turned out. So, every pregnancy is different I guess. Maybe this is the right one for me. Please let it be.

Monday, August 20, 2007


I still refuse to POAS. Mostly because I am terrified of ending what last shred of hope I may have. We debated about it for about an hour last night, whether we should do it this morning or not. Ended up in the "not" category, even though the test should be about 90% accurate at this point if I use a FMU (first morning urine).

I didn't really have any compelling symptoms yesterday, and I am totally freaked out that my bb's are not getting sore/itchy like the last time. I will say, sadly, I am not holding out too much hope at this point. We have already decided to save the 4 embryos that are in cryopreservation and move forward with a fresh cycle next. I want to KEEP those good embryos and keep making more. I know I am capable of producing alot of eggs and embryos. In case we need to move on to a gestational surrogate if a couple more times proves that I cannot get or keep a pregnancy, I want to make sure I have enough good embryos for that option. It seems emotionally devastating to say that. But in the end I guess I should just be thankful that DH and I make good embryos together, and that we have the money to be able to pursue other options, like surrogacy, if we have to.

It's still hard. I want to move on but now it's getting scarier. Like, why isn't this working?

Sunday, August 19, 2007

I don't trust my body

My transfer was last Monday 8/13. It was amazing actually, I had the requisite perfectly full bladder, and the three blasts the embryologist thawed for transfer all made it, and looked "very good". The were rated 5AB, 5BA, and 5BC. So, couldn't really get that much better from that perspective. Four blasts still in cryopreservation. My little bit of insurance. It makes me feel so much better just to know I have them, and that they survive the thaw so well (fingers crossed).

I went home and stayed pretty horizontal for 2 days. Although I later read it means nothing and is fairly useless. If the embies are going to implant, then they will. However, I was being cautious and figured well, it can't HURT now can it??

The one event that freaked me out was an unintentional O (read: orgasm) just a day after the xfer. I thought that was it for sure. However, my clinic said it's ok to resume intercourse the next day, and when I told the nurse she was completely unconcerned, saying that if anything, it would improve the bloodflow to the uterus. I PRAY she is right.

So here's the irritatingly annoying time line of obsessiveness:
1DP5DT: Freaking out over unintentional O.
2DP5DT: Hmm, are my bb's sore on the side? Not really, just the left one. And it's an actual lump, probably for all the estrogen meds. Lovely.
3DP5DT: I'm feeling twinges and mild cramps, and dizziness. Especially when standing after sitting. Here's where I do the most ridiculous thing and take an HPT after I get home from work. Not only that, but I pee first, wait like 20 minutes and then decide to take the test. So not only are we WAY early (I later read that only 5% of pregnancies have HCG detectable at this point), but I use a late day urine and one that is post-an earlier recent urine. I needed 5 seconds, I barely had a weak stream of 3 seconds. Well, of COURSE it was BFN. And of COURSE I was still devastated. So was my husband. I cried myself to sleep and we vowed: no more peeing on sticks until beta day! We can't take the disappointment or the mind games.
4DP5DT: Wake up at 5 am with a low level nausea. This gassiness that kind of pushes up through my esophagus. This lasts for awhile, maybe 30 minutes. Later that day, I eat vanilla frozen yogurt in the late afternoon, as I do on most work days, but this time about 2 minutes after eating it, I feel like I am going to puke. I run to the restroom only to gag and dry heave, but nothing comes up. I feel nausea on and off all day, but never to that extreme again. When I go to the grocery store I pass the ice cream aisle and it all rushed back. The cramps and dizziness continue.
5DP5DT: Same with the dizziness and the cramps. Get an occasional weird metal taste in mouth. Find it strange and do not even realize it is a potential pg symptom until I read about it later. At dinner, an expensive pasta restaurant, I eat a small amount and become very ill feeling, fleeing again to the bathroom, where I gag and dry heave. Nothing comes up. Hmm. Later that night I find one little spot of brownish blood on my black underwear, followed by AF like cramps, but not too bad, for maybe 1-2 hours. No more blood after that. It really was an unremarkable amount to begin with, so I doubt it could even be considered implantation spotting. Maybe a spot.
6DP5DT: Yes, I know I could legitimately begin testing again today or tomorrow with more accurate results. But I am terrified. Today I get the mild AF like cramping again for about an hour or 2. Also feeling the twinges on and off. No more gassiness, but some tiredness/dizziness. No nausea today but I am not very hungry. When I am, it's only for very dry, carby things like bagels and cookies. I don't want anything else.

Let's see what tomorrow will bring...

My one concern, although I think the post-meal nausea is a really great sign, is that my bb's are not really effected - with the exception of the left side lump, which is more disconcerting than anything else. Last time they were crazy sore and itchy, so much that they woke me up in the middle of the night. Only I can't remember when this started to happen? Also, since I had HCG in my system for 4 months after the miscarriage, I wonder if my body is just used to it on some level? I mean, I still had a + beta 5 weeks ago! So who knows. A crazy theory, but possible?

I'll keep updating this for my own posterity, and for anyone else who is interested of course :)

Thursday, August 2, 2007

Finally moving forward

So I had the hysteroscopy on 7/11, and it went incredibly well. Evidently there was leftover tissue from my miscarriage. My RE was amazing, I was barely in any pain post-surgery, and never even had any bleeding other than minor spotting for a couple days.

He suggested that I stay on the pill for another week and a half, and then start my cycle. So, that's exactly what I did. I went to the clinic on day 2 for b/w and u/s. Luckily, everything was perfect, so I began taking estrogen pills. We ran into some minor snafu's however, including the endless trail of paperwork necessary to transport my embryo's across town from one clinic to the other. Luckily it all worked out, and our 7 frozen ones are safely in their new home. That is one HUGE relief. We also had to repeat some infectious disease bloodwork that somehow never made it from the first clinic to the second, but that's ok, it's all done now. And I feel so relieved.

Next step is to go in this Monday for my day 14 b/w and u/s. Then I will begin progesterone shots and they will give me a transfer date, which should be by the following weekend. I spoke to my RE today, and gave him my preference for transferring 3 embies. He's going to inform the lab. Given my neurosis, I have taken to using my Clear Blue Easy fertility monitor to insure that my estrogen is rising like it should. And it is. I got a high reading today. PHEW. Please let this all work out...Please.

I estimate that if the transfer is done on 8/11, then my beta test should be 8/20 - the day before my birthday. I am scared for the wait between the transfer and the beta, because now that I know what it feels like to be pregnant - the ridiculously sore bb's, the exhaustion and the morning sickness - I am afraid that I will be analyzing every single symptom during my wait. And of course, I will. And I don't know HOW I am going to resist the evil HPTs. Last cycle I started taking them at 4DP5DT - and getting light positives. I was so confident that time. Of course it would work. It had to work. And I guess it sort of did...

I am getting ahead of myself. I need to make it to the transfer first, and then start worrying about what I call "phase 2" problems. Here's how I see it:

Phase 1: The cycle itself - getting through it and making it to the transfer successfully
Phase 2: The waiting period between the transfer and the beta
Phase 3: Post-beta (if this is positive, then...)
Phase 4: More betas leading up to the first u/s
Phase 5: Post-first u/s into heartbeat, end of First trimester
Phase 6: The final frontier. Made it past the first tri obstacles. Can breathe a little easier now.

I never really got to enjoy any of the stages with my last pregnancy, it was so precarious from the beginning, and it ended before the heartbeat. So I need to pace myself this time and take it one stage/phase at a time. But I am famous for speculating and worrying about anything and everything that could happen in the future.

Hmm. Well, please pray for me. We'll need your thoughts and prayers to make it through this one.