Went in for beta #2, 15DP5DT, and got the result from a fairly negative sounding nurse: "Your beta has dropped. Stopped taking all medication and come back on Friday so we can follow you down to a 0". Apparently my beta was 16. Now, this is why I would have preferred another beta 2-3 days following the original beta. This way I would have known pretty quickly that this pg was not working out. Now I went a week thinking I was pregnant. Hey, I had a strong first beta! Of course this is gonna be it. Wow. What an idiot. I cannot believe how wrong I was.
The worst part is, of course, that we have no clue why this happened. Loss #2. So now what? I called my RE's assistant (he's on vacation) and booked a consult in 3 weeks. She told me I could go ahead and start another FET cycle if I wanted when started my next cycle as long as my beta was negative. My husband and I immediately discussed moving forward right away. I mean, we could be doing this again by next week. But then I started to consider: what is preventing this or something else from happening again? I mean, 2 for 2 is pretty bad odds. I have to believe this has something to do with my elevated thyroglobulin antibodies (for which I am on a very low dose of medication) or some similar immune problem. I am on a mission to get all of the RPL (recurrent pregnancy loss) and immune panel of tests completed before moving forward. This is a difficult decision to make, because since my doctor is out I have no one to order the tests, so this means just WAITING. More waiting. We waited for 5 months, and now we are right back to it. I figure I will go back on the pill when AF arrives so I can eliminate the possibility of cysts on my ovaries and also force a cycle whenever the test results and consultation are completed.
I don't know, I am trying to be practical, but believe me, I am devastated and so, so sad. I am terrified that I can't carry a pregnancy. We've started discussing things like adoption as a real alternative, because maybe I can't have a baby. I also plan to ask the RE about gestational surrogacy. I am sure he will say it is too soon to consider this, but honestly. I transferred 2 great embryos the first time and 3 great ones this time, and I have a blighted ovum and a who-knows-what early m/c to show for it. The embryo that I miscarried was perfectly normal. What else could this mean? I suppose I should be happy that we produce normal embryos. I just may not be able to carry them. The idea of someone else carrying my genetic children for me seems weird. I have always wanted to experience pregnancy to term. But maybe I have to realistically consider the fact that I may never be able to. I guess the point is have the baby, right? I guess I go back to being completely bitter about every pregnant woman I see. Nice way to live.
14 comments:
I am so sorry, Lady in Waiting. Not just for the loss but having to wait yet again. Sending good thoughts to you.
I am so very sorry....hugs for you.
I'm sorry you're having to go through this. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.
I'm so sorry.
I am so very sorry for loss, and for the dang-blasted eternal waiting.
I am so very sorry.
Dear LIW, I am so very sorry to read this. What a terrible blow, delivered in terrible slow motion.
so sorry too! i understand all your worries. hugs from me too XXX
I am so sorry for your loss, both of them. I have had two losses. I also had Hashimoto's disease and high antibodies for my last loss. I wanted to say you should be on a Selenium supplement (I take a vit e / selenium combo)or at the very least eating 3-5 brazil nuts per day (high in selenium). It helps get the antibodies out of your body to a degree. Mine were over 1130 before my second thyroid surgery and although they went down they were still 700 or so after. They are down below 250 now. I also would be taking baby aspirin if you are not already. Getting the immunological tests can be such a pain to get docs to really do thoroughly but they can tell you info.
Just thought I would offer some info. Again, I am so sorry, it is such a tremendous pain to go through.
I am so sorry. I am praying that you find answers soon.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I'll hate all the fertile preggos with you.
I am so sorry. It is so hard to wait. Three weeks for a follow up with the RE? My RE does the same thing, but they should be standing on your doorstep ready to discuss things when you get the news.
I don't know if this will help, but my clinic has an 80% live birth rate for donor eggs (not that you have bad eggs!) but that convinces my RE that MOST people can carry a baby.
It could just be bad luck at this point. Hang in there.
I'm so sorry you're going though this. You'll be in my prayers.
I'm so very sorry for your second loss. I wish things didn't have to be this hard.
I just want to send you lots of hugs. I have also just experienced my second loss and I know the questions it conjures up. We have also wondered if we will ever have biological children and have began to consider adoption.
There are not enough words to express my sorrow for you. Just know you are not alone and anytime you need to vent, I'll be here to listen.
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