Another Milestone

I got my second beta: 376, so that's doubling time of 48.7 hours. They said it was good. Anyway I think I had the test about a half hour earlier than Sunday, so maybe it would have been an exact double if i waited I am still nervous, and asked if I can come back again on Thursday for another beta. I think they think I am crazy, but I honestly don't care. Still not really feeling any more symptoms, so that scares me. If I could really feel something, I think it would alleviate my fears. I won't lie, I wish my doubling time were a bit better, but I guess it is definitely better than the alternative.

I'll still continue to be cautiously optimistic.

To everyone who commented: Thank you so much for your support during this time. I really need you ladies. I look forward to reading over your blogs too, and promise to do it soon.

how many more milestones?

Thanks everyone for your well wishes and congrats. And thanks for understanding how I feel about all of this.

I woke up today nervous and told my husband that "my boobs are not as sore, that's a bad sign." He grilled me about it for a few minutes, saw I was sad, and let it go. We kind of figure, hey, this is what we have to go through. Made the trek into the city to get the beta done a little bit depressing.

Fast forward a couple of hours...

So they called with my beta and it is 190. That's better than the last time so I feel a little ok about it, but my P4 was only 22.5 and my E2 just less than 400. The only real symptom I have is extreme tiredness. So this, of course, given my history, makes me nervous as heck. I asked to go in for early follow up betas and they said of course, so I'm heading back for #2 on Tuesday.

i guess that was implantation spotting?

i poas x2 today, and both were +. i used a digital and a line test. the line started out dark the same as the control. i went back to bed, left the test out and hours later it was lighter. anyway, i had to do it early (like 5 am) because i was in so much pain i was actually having dreams about peeing. i then went back to bed and had really no reaction or emotion about it. my husband woke up and asked me, "well?" and i just said "oh, they're positive."

i just feel numb and worried. sorry if i seem like a jerk, and i realize this is a good thing but having been down this road twice before with bad results, i think i just feel like once again, i have alot to lose. i have official beta tomorrow. i am going to insist on another beta tuesday and then on friday. i want to follow this one so i know if it is falling. in a way, i guess it's good that i don't think it's real. maybe i'll be less hurt if it doesn't work out.

i did sleep 12 hours today though i do love rainy saturdays.

quick update

to my ladies that comment - i adore you. thanks for supporting me.

becca - i would go to the board, but i think it sorta bums me out when a new person comes on and is like "i just started ttc" and that same month they are pg. i mean, other than you and a couple of other women, no one really gets our situations, you know? i just feel safer posting here. i miss alot of you girls though, alot. and i am reading your blog constantly :) your DSS is so adorable, btw.

i still have not POAS but last night after i posted i noticed that i had some very light, brownish spotting. only the tiniest bit, really barely there but definitely something, a little on tp and underwear, and some cramps. it subsided rather quickly, thank god, and so i do not think it is AF starting, because there has been nothing since. i am holding out for the remotest possibility of a wee bit of implantation spotting. i know it's late in the cycle (11DPO) but i've read it can happen days after, it can just take some time to flow down there.

we agreed tomorrow morning is POAS day. i am sure my heart will be beating out of my chest again. thanks for your thoughts & prayers :) i love you all and am wishing the best for you too, my comrades in this most cruel world of IF.

Here I go obsessing

6DP5DT.

I went to SF on a business trip this week and am now back home. Got in at 4 am yesterday, slept for 7 hours, then got up to work from home this afternoon. While I was out there I was too busy to think about it too much, anyway. But since being back, I am OBSESSED. I don't know what symptoms are from the PIO shots and estrogen and what is potentially "real". Help fuel my obsession and help me analyze (warning, some TMI or sensitive material here):

- No nausea whatsoever, until today, I kinda felt a little nausea every time I drank water? That's just weird though.
- No smell aversions, except today my husband got a deli sandwich and pickles and the smell of the pickles immediately bothered me. But pg women LOVE pickles, don't they? Oh no!
- Had some random uterine twinges and mild cramping. Nothing so bad like AF was coming, but a mild version. Sometimes when I move or stretch in certain ways I feel a pulling.
- The girls are sore around the edges, and sometimes nipple sensations, but rarely. Last night on the plane my left nipple felt like it was burning. This has since gone away. And they look the same. The soreness varies in intensity throughout the day. Last night the left one hurt too much to sleep on my stomach. Also sometimes a random stabbing pain/feeling, but mostly fleeting. However: this soreness started before my transfer, so we can be talking about pure progesterone related side effects here.
- Tiredness: Another unreliable metric since I have been back & forth to the west coast 4 x in the past week.

But today I got really emotional like, feeling it didn't work and starting crying to my husband. We agreed, no POAS until 8DP5DT, so that's Saturday. Will save up a nice FMU and see what happens.

Is it too early? I mean, are there people who just KNOW they are pregnant? Do you just know all the time, like, oh I feel pregnant. I mean because I really don't know.

Oh and "Tell Me You Love Me" on HBO - thank you for perpetuating the stereotype that all a couple has to do to get pregnant is stop trying to get pregnant, and then it will happen, poof, just like that on the very next month.

1DP5DT

Here we go again.

Transfer was yesterday. I took the red eye home from Phoenix Thursday night, went to sleep for 4 hours and then got up for the drive into Manhattan. I diligently sipped at my water bottle so I would have the requisite full bladder. Of course, they were almost an hour late, so I was in dire pain! However, the valium certainly helped! I wish they would have given me more. I can see how people get addicted to that stuff. It really makes you feel so nice. Soooo nice.

Anyway I was a little looped when the RE (not my RE, but one who looks like a supermodel and you can't believe she is a doctor) told me that they thawed the rest of my 4 blasts, and one arrested. Coincidentally, it was the day 6-er. I felt sort of bad but at the same time, I knew they would never transfer all four, so in a way this made it easier. No choice, just transfer all three. I got a good look at them up on the big screen. They all had a 95-100% cell survival rate, which is apparently excellent. Supermodel RE said they looked just like fresh embryos. One of the three was HUGE. She was super impressed with that one, saying it was just beautiful. So once again, I have beautiful, happy embryos. So please, at least one of you (the big beautiful one??), make a home in my uterus please! It's nice and comfy in there.
Anyway, the transfer took only a couple of minutes, and she said everything was easy and went well.

I have hope though. How can I not with those little beauties. I just want to say something to them (sappy warning).

Dear little blastocysts:
From the moment I saw you pulsating away on that big screen, I knew what this overwhelming feeling was. It was love. You are the lives we created. Please stay and grow and become a healthy little baby - or babies! And know that we will love you and provide you with everything that you need. We will give you food and shelter and warmth and happiness. We will try not to repeat the same mistakes our own parents made. We will let you grow and develop into the person or the people you want to be. We will treasure you and encourage you. But most of all, you will have our love, and grandparents who are just dying for a grandchild to love and spoil. Can I further entice you? You will have 2 soft, loving, fuzzy, sweet puppies to play with. And you know what? I'll quit my career to stay home with you full time. I promise that to you. I don't want to miss a thing. Not a minute of your lives. I am already attached. Already so in love.

So much for disengaging from my emotions this cycle.

This just gets in the way

of life, of living normally. Don't you agree? I don't know how to do anything outside of work, because it is so overwhelming, and obsessing over my infertility. The reason I haven't posted much is because I've had lackluster news followed by what I consider to be "alarming" news. My immunology tests came back, and everything was fine/negative except a presence of AOA (anti-ovarian antibodies) was found. Seems like it's not too bad according to the titer, but no one will adequately interpret this for me, so I don't know. The allergist/immunologist wants me to take prednisone to suppress the immune response of the ATA's and the AOA's, but said my RE would have to prescribe this. An urgent fax of the results to Mr. World-famous RE yielded this response: This means nothing. You should not have even been tested for this. 1/3 of all women have these antibodies present. We still have an excellent chance of success here. Let's just keep going.

Well, ok. But 1/3 of all women are not experiencing infertility and RPL, so do you think maybe this says something about my problems?

Evidently not.

Ok. So no one will take me seriously! That's great. The Hematologist was so shocked at just how high my TgAb were she couldn't believe my TSH was so low and my thyroid function normal. So, she retested my thyroid function and it was - surprise! - normal as ever. Only going to take 25mcg of synthroid daily as a precautionary measure. So I take matters into my own hands. I read in several places that fish oil is like a natural anti-inflammatory and can reduce things like natural killer cells. I don't even know if I have NKs but given the other 2 things I have tested positive for, I am just going to assume I do. I started taking 2 pills in the morning and 2 at night. Maybe this will act as a suppressant. At least it's something different that I can do. My hematologist said my homocysteine level was too high and doubled my Folgard. And to top things off, I am hetero for one of the MTHFR gene mutations (the least important one). No concern about that either. Look, I know no one is going to come back with 100% completely perfect panels. But I still feel alarmed by some of the antibody stuff. And reading the immunology debates about impact on fertility is leaving me as bewildered as ever.

The other thing is that despite E2 levels over over 1,000, my lining is only about a 7. Not great, although RE thinks it's fine. But what can I do? I am mid-cycle. My transfer is 6 days away, on the 19th. I have to cut a business trip short and take a red-eye flight home to make it. In my heart, I fear this is going to be a waste of my "final four" blastocysts - we will thaw all of them and transfer what makes it, but no more than 3. They would never agree to transfer all four. Even though it's ridiculous, I should get all four transferred since I would be shocked beyond belief even one made it past the first beta with good numbers and a good rise. PIO shots start tomorrow. I'm actually glad to be doing them again. Makes everything feel real.

What I am doing is planning for what is next. I promised my husband I would give world-famous RE one more shot with a fresh cycle if this doesn't work. So I will, but I am also going to make an appointment with Dr. Scher at Mount Sinai. Apparently he is "the" miscarriage doctor, and he doesn't scoff at the immunology issues either. He actually tests for them. Brilliant. But I don't think he is part of the IVF team at RMA, so I would have to figure out how to work with one doctor on the RPL issues without pissing Mr. Famous off. Too many egos in the way. And I just want to get pregnant. Ok no - I want to carry a baby to term. That's more accurate and I don't want to "confuse" any of the gods/forces/etc that may be listening right now. Pregnancy is a good first step, but unless it results in a baby, it doesn't matter much in the end.

Sorry to be out of the loop for so long. I need to catch up on everyone's blogs. Just been in a dark place, so it's hard to get the motivation to write this all up. But I want to have a record of everything, so I need to keep it up. Anyone who is reading this - thank you for your support. I appreciate all of the comments and they really do help me. I'll post again after transfer.