Thanks to all the ladies who commented. My husband and I read your supportive comments and your advice and poured over your own blogs. I hope you don't mind if I link to your sites. It's nice to have a support network.
I don't know, this last week and a half has been strange. Sometimes I feel ok, and sometimes I am SAD while other times I am just confused and angry. It's like going through all of the grief stages in no particular order and then cycling through them again. Today I woke up in a panic like, omg, I might never be pregnant again! And even if I do get pg, it might only last for a couple days.
I'm sort of obsessed with the idea of using a surrogate. Sometimes I just want to give up on my own ability to carry a healthy baby of my own and just go down that route. We've been in contact with 2 attorneys and a coordinator at one of the hospital university's in our area that sets these things up. We could actually get moving on this in a couple months. Right now I am trying to be patient for 10 more days. That's when I'll get to have a WTF meeting with my world-famous RE, who was so certain I'd be happily pregnant this time. Huh, well that didn't happen. So now what? I also made an appt with an immunologist who will complete my RPL testing and a hematologist to review my b/w from the thrombophilia panel. Oh, and probably the most important thing: I am going back to therapy, but this time with an psychologist from my clinic who specializes in infertility. That should be better than my last therapist, who hid her own pregnancy from me for 6 months. Nice.
So today I decided to be bitter at celebrities who undeservedly are pregnant. You know who I mean: Nicole Richie. Let's see what kind of a person she is:
- Endangers the lives of others by getting in cars while drunk or high
- Been to rehab more than once for HEROIN addiction
- Sleeps around and I have heard rumors that she has herpes
- Is so vain that she is anorexic, even while she is supposed to be nourishing an unborn child.
- Rude and nasty to people, especially non-famous who she makes fun of to their face, on camera, for a laugh.
My husband got upset the other night because I said I no longer believed in karma.
Well, can you blame me??
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6 comments:
I am with you- Nicole Richie SUCKS!!! I am glad you are going back to therapy. I hope you find answers and peace soon. :)
Thanks for sharing your story with us! I am relatively new to the infertility blogs, having experienced my first miscarriage in May after almost 3 years TTC. I am so sorry for your loss and I appreciate your courage in sharing your situation and feelings with us.
You don't believe in Karma? I mean that sarcastically. I think it is hard to believe in anything except good old fashioned chaos. Nothing happens for a reason, there is no grand scheme, not force out there for good or evil. Things just happen.
I'm probably not helping, am I?
I think a therapist is a great idea. When I found a good one it changed my life. What you are feeling is completely normal. Sometimes you just need to take day (or moment) at a time.
Yea, she's the one that really sticks in my craw. Bitch. Maybe deep down she's changed, but seriously, drug addict and drunk driver and anorexic - and knocked up no problem. Again, bitch.
I'm with you on the Karma thing. IF has drained me of my belief that good things happen to good people. As clearly, really shitty people have good things happen to them all the time and really good, deserving people are constantly being shit on all the time. It's annoying and I don't blame you. The only belief I can muster with this whole IF thing is that nothing will happen when I want it to, so just surrender control.
I haven't actually gotten to the point of surrendering yet, but perhaps someday.
I know what your experiencing with the cycles of emotion. Loss is difficult and different for everyone. I have days where I'm fine and then I have entire week where I'm angry, bitter, and sad. Again, this is one of those things you have no control over. My suggestion is just to feel your emotions--you'll work through them faster and be able to regain sanity again.
Thank you for your support on my blog and good luck with everything! I've linked back to your blog as well! :)
Hey sweetie! I have been stalking your blog for an update and I was very happy to see one this morning! I've been thinking about you a lot...I'm glad to see you're moving through your grief and seeing a therapist. It will be good for you...well, at least that's what everyone always tells me! =) The grief cycle is just that...a cycle. It's completely normal to have all of these feelings from day to day...and to have several in one day. No one grieves the same, and don't let anyone tell you how to do it, whatever way you need to cope is the right way for you. Anyway...I hope that all of the tests will bring some answers.
Gah, don't even get me started on Nicole Richie!!! LOL
Keep us posted on the surrogacy deal...I'm learning that even though I desperately want to be pregnant and give birth to our baby...the goal is MOTHERHOOD. It might take on a different look than I thought, but the end result will be worth it in the end.
Lots of love and tons of hugs coming your way! Love ya girl!
~Rebecca
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