6DP5DT.
I went to SF on a business trip this week and am now back home. Got in at 4 am yesterday, slept for 7 hours, then got up to work from home this afternoon. While I was out there I was too busy to think about it too much, anyway. But since being back, I am OBSESSED. I don't know what symptoms are from the PIO shots and estrogen and what is potentially "real". Help fuel my obsession and help me analyze (warning, some TMI or sensitive material here):
- No nausea whatsoever, until today, I kinda felt a little nausea every time I drank water? That's just weird though.
- No smell aversions, except today my husband got a deli sandwich and pickles and the smell of the pickles immediately bothered me. But pg women LOVE pickles, don't they? Oh no!
- Had some random uterine twinges and mild cramping. Nothing so bad like AF was coming, but a mild version. Sometimes when I move or stretch in certain ways I feel a pulling.
- The girls are sore around the edges, and sometimes nipple sensations, but rarely. Last night on the plane my left nipple felt like it was burning. This has since gone away. And they look the same. The soreness varies in intensity throughout the day. Last night the left one hurt too much to sleep on my stomach. Also sometimes a random stabbing pain/feeling, but mostly fleeting. However: this soreness started before my transfer, so we can be talking about pure progesterone related side effects here.
- Tiredness: Another unreliable metric since I have been back & forth to the west coast 4 x in the past week.
But today I got really emotional like, feeling it didn't work and starting crying to my husband. We agreed, no POAS until 8DP5DT, so that's Saturday. Will save up a nice FMU and see what happens.
Is it too early? I mean, are there people who just KNOW they are pregnant? Do you just know all the time, like, oh I feel pregnant. I mean because I really don't know.
Oh and "Tell Me You Love Me" on HBO - thank you for perpetuating the stereotype that all a couple has to do to get pregnant is stop trying to get pregnant, and then it will happen, poof, just like that on the very next month.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Saturday, October 20, 2007
1DP5DT
Here we go again.
Transfer was yesterday. I took the red eye home from Phoenix Thursday night, went to sleep for 4 hours and then got up for the drive into Manhattan. I diligently sipped at my water bottle so I would have the requisite full bladder. Of course, they were almost an hour late, so I was in dire pain! However, the valium certainly helped! I wish they would have given me more. I can see how people get addicted to that stuff. It really makes you feel so nice. Soooo nice.
Anyway I was a little looped when the RE (not my RE, but one who looks like a supermodel and you can't believe she is a doctor) told me that they thawed the rest of my 4 blasts, and one arrested. Coincidentally, it was the day 6-er. I felt sort of bad but at the same time, I knew they would never transfer all four, so in a way this made it easier. No choice, just transfer all three. I got a good look at them up on the big screen. They all had a 95-100% cell survival rate, which is apparently excellent. Supermodel RE said they looked just like fresh embryos. One of the three was HUGE. She was super impressed with that one, saying it was just beautiful. So once again, I have beautiful, happy embryos. So please, at least one of you (the big beautiful one??), make a home in my uterus please! It's nice and comfy in there.
Anyway, the transfer took only a couple of minutes, and she said everything was easy and went well.
I have hope though. How can I not with those little beauties. I just want to say something to them (sappy warning).
Dear little blastocysts:
From the moment I saw you pulsating away on that big screen, I knew what this overwhelming feeling was. It was love. You are the lives we created. Please stay and grow and become a healthy little baby - or babies! And know that we will love you and provide you with everything that you need. We will give you food and shelter and warmth and happiness. We will try not to repeat the same mistakes our own parents made. We will let you grow and develop into the person or the people you want to be. We will treasure you and encourage you. But most of all, you will have our love, and grandparents who are just dying for a grandchild to love and spoil. Can I further entice you? You will have 2 soft, loving, fuzzy, sweet puppies to play with. And you know what? I'll quit my career to stay home with you full time. I promise that to you. I don't want to miss a thing. Not a minute of your lives. I am already attached. Already so in love.
So much for disengaging from my emotions this cycle.
Transfer was yesterday. I took the red eye home from Phoenix Thursday night, went to sleep for 4 hours and then got up for the drive into Manhattan. I diligently sipped at my water bottle so I would have the requisite full bladder. Of course, they were almost an hour late, so I was in dire pain! However, the valium certainly helped! I wish they would have given me more. I can see how people get addicted to that stuff. It really makes you feel so nice. Soooo nice.
Anyway I was a little looped when the RE (not my RE, but one who looks like a supermodel and you can't believe she is a doctor) told me that they thawed the rest of my 4 blasts, and one arrested. Coincidentally, it was the day 6-er. I felt sort of bad but at the same time, I knew they would never transfer all four, so in a way this made it easier. No choice, just transfer all three. I got a good look at them up on the big screen. They all had a 95-100% cell survival rate, which is apparently excellent. Supermodel RE said they looked just like fresh embryos. One of the three was HUGE. She was super impressed with that one, saying it was just beautiful. So once again, I have beautiful, happy embryos. So please, at least one of you (the big beautiful one??), make a home in my uterus please! It's nice and comfy in there.
Anyway, the transfer took only a couple of minutes, and she said everything was easy and went well.
I have hope though. How can I not with those little beauties. I just want to say something to them (sappy warning).
Dear little blastocysts:
From the moment I saw you pulsating away on that big screen, I knew what this overwhelming feeling was. It was love. You are the lives we created. Please stay and grow and become a healthy little baby - or babies! And know that we will love you and provide you with everything that you need. We will give you food and shelter and warmth and happiness. We will try not to repeat the same mistakes our own parents made. We will let you grow and develop into the person or the people you want to be. We will treasure you and encourage you. But most of all, you will have our love, and grandparents who are just dying for a grandchild to love and spoil. Can I further entice you? You will have 2 soft, loving, fuzzy, sweet puppies to play with. And you know what? I'll quit my career to stay home with you full time. I promise that to you. I don't want to miss a thing. Not a minute of your lives. I am already attached. Already so in love.
So much for disengaging from my emotions this cycle.
Saturday, October 13, 2007
This just gets in the way
of life, of living normally. Don't you agree? I don't know how to do anything outside of work, because it is so overwhelming, and obsessing over my infertility. The reason I haven't posted much is because I've had lackluster news followed by what I consider to be "alarming" news. My immunology tests came back, and everything was fine/negative except a presence of AOA (anti-ovarian antibodies) was found. Seems like it's not too bad according to the titer, but no one will adequately interpret this for me, so I don't know. The allergist/immunologist wants me to take prednisone to suppress the immune response of the ATA's and the AOA's, but said my RE would have to prescribe this. An urgent fax of the results to Mr. World-famous RE yielded this response: This means nothing. You should not have even been tested for this. 1/3 of all women have these antibodies present. We still have an excellent chance of success here. Let's just keep going.
Well, ok. But 1/3 of all women are not experiencing infertility and RPL, so do you think maybe this says something about my problems?
Evidently not.
Ok. So no one will take me seriously! That's great. The Hematologist was so shocked at just how high my TgAb were she couldn't believe my TSH was so low and my thyroid function normal. So, she retested my thyroid function and it was - surprise! - normal as ever. Only going to take 25mcg of synthroid daily as a precautionary measure. So I take matters into my own hands. I read in several places that fish oil is like a natural anti-inflammatory and can reduce things like natural killer cells. I don't even know if I have NKs but given the other 2 things I have tested positive for, I am just going to assume I do. I started taking 2 pills in the morning and 2 at night. Maybe this will act as a suppressant. At least it's something different that I can do. My hematologist said my homocysteine level was too high and doubled my Folgard. And to top things off, I am hetero for one of the MTHFR gene mutations (the least important one). No concern about that either. Look, I know no one is going to come back with 100% completely perfect panels. But I still feel alarmed by some of the antibody stuff. And reading the immunology debates about impact on fertility is leaving me as bewildered as ever.
The other thing is that despite E2 levels over over 1,000, my lining is only about a 7. Not great, although RE thinks it's fine. But what can I do? I am mid-cycle. My transfer is 6 days away, on the 19th. I have to cut a business trip short and take a red-eye flight home to make it. In my heart, I fear this is going to be a waste of my "final four" blastocysts - we will thaw all of them and transfer what makes it, but no more than 3. They would never agree to transfer all four. Even though it's ridiculous, I should get all four transferred since I would be shocked beyond belief even one made it past the first beta with good numbers and a good rise. PIO shots start tomorrow. I'm actually glad to be doing them again. Makes everything feel real.
What I am doing is planning for what is next. I promised my husband I would give world-famous RE one more shot with a fresh cycle if this doesn't work. So I will, but I am also going to make an appointment with Dr. Scher at Mount Sinai. Apparently he is "the" miscarriage doctor, and he doesn't scoff at the immunology issues either. He actually tests for them. Brilliant. But I don't think he is part of the IVF team at RMA, so I would have to figure out how to work with one doctor on the RPL issues without pissing Mr. Famous off. Too many egos in the way. And I just want to get pregnant. Ok no - I want to carry a baby to term. That's more accurate and I don't want to "confuse" any of the gods/forces/etc that may be listening right now. Pregnancy is a good first step, but unless it results in a baby, it doesn't matter much in the end.
Sorry to be out of the loop for so long. I need to catch up on everyone's blogs. Just been in a dark place, so it's hard to get the motivation to write this all up. But I want to have a record of everything, so I need to keep it up. Anyone who is reading this - thank you for your support. I appreciate all of the comments and they really do help me. I'll post again after transfer.
Well, ok. But 1/3 of all women are not experiencing infertility and RPL, so do you think maybe this says something about my problems?
Evidently not.
Ok. So no one will take me seriously! That's great. The Hematologist was so shocked at just how high my TgAb were she couldn't believe my TSH was so low and my thyroid function normal. So, she retested my thyroid function and it was - surprise! - normal as ever. Only going to take 25mcg of synthroid daily as a precautionary measure. So I take matters into my own hands. I read in several places that fish oil is like a natural anti-inflammatory and can reduce things like natural killer cells. I don't even know if I have NKs but given the other 2 things I have tested positive for, I am just going to assume I do. I started taking 2 pills in the morning and 2 at night. Maybe this will act as a suppressant. At least it's something different that I can do. My hematologist said my homocysteine level was too high and doubled my Folgard. And to top things off, I am hetero for one of the MTHFR gene mutations (the least important one). No concern about that either. Look, I know no one is going to come back with 100% completely perfect panels. But I still feel alarmed by some of the antibody stuff. And reading the immunology debates about impact on fertility is leaving me as bewildered as ever.
The other thing is that despite E2 levels over over 1,000, my lining is only about a 7. Not great, although RE thinks it's fine. But what can I do? I am mid-cycle. My transfer is 6 days away, on the 19th. I have to cut a business trip short and take a red-eye flight home to make it. In my heart, I fear this is going to be a waste of my "final four" blastocysts - we will thaw all of them and transfer what makes it, but no more than 3. They would never agree to transfer all four. Even though it's ridiculous, I should get all four transferred since I would be shocked beyond belief even one made it past the first beta with good numbers and a good rise. PIO shots start tomorrow. I'm actually glad to be doing them again. Makes everything feel real.
What I am doing is planning for what is next. I promised my husband I would give world-famous RE one more shot with a fresh cycle if this doesn't work. So I will, but I am also going to make an appointment with Dr. Scher at Mount Sinai. Apparently he is "the" miscarriage doctor, and he doesn't scoff at the immunology issues either. He actually tests for them. Brilliant. But I don't think he is part of the IVF team at RMA, so I would have to figure out how to work with one doctor on the RPL issues without pissing Mr. Famous off. Too many egos in the way. And I just want to get pregnant. Ok no - I want to carry a baby to term. That's more accurate and I don't want to "confuse" any of the gods/forces/etc that may be listening right now. Pregnancy is a good first step, but unless it results in a baby, it doesn't matter much in the end.
Sorry to be out of the loop for so long. I need to catch up on everyone's blogs. Just been in a dark place, so it's hard to get the motivation to write this all up. But I want to have a record of everything, so I need to keep it up. Anyone who is reading this - thank you for your support. I appreciate all of the comments and they really do help me. I'll post again after transfer.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
The Third Time's a Charm
That's my mantra this cycle. It has to work because it just has to! It's lucky #3. I am just holding onto that right now.
Day 2 b/w and u/s this morning, everything looks good so I've already started my Estradiol tablets, patch starts on Thursday, and then a follow up on the 4th. If everything looks ok, I'll be scheduled for transfer, probably about a week later. So right now we are perfectly on schedule.
Sitting in the waiting room this morning was terrifying, I kept wanting to cry. Getting up at 6am on a Saturday so I can take the train into Manhattan to get to the clinic for morning monitoring is no picnic. Thankfully (?) I have been so slammed at work that I brought my laptop with me and crunched numbers all morning, so that was a nice distraction.
Yesterday at work I was speaking to a colleague, mid-40s man with 2 kids, and we were talking about how someone else had just had twins. He alluded to the fact that they were due to fertility treatments. So we got to talking about it, and it turns out he and his wife did IVF to get both of their kids! 2 BFNs, then 2 BFP's in a row. They tried IVF #5 for a third but when it didn't work, they decided they were lucky enough and called it quits. I was amazed. He was so open about it, and I told him, you know, you just assume everyone has kids with no problem, and you're like the only one of the people you know going through it. He told me about other people at work I had no idea about. Wow, I can't tell you how much that actually helped.
On another note, "Tell me you love me" on HBO is really starting to get to me. Their pain and fear is mine, and they are actually approaching it in such a realistic way that I have to believe someone close to the show went through this. Thank you once again, HBO, for keeping it real.
So this time I am going to not drink at all since starting the Estradiol. Last time I had a couple of drinks and then read the fine print and realized it's not a good thing. So why do anything to decrease my chances? I'm done with it.
This week will culminate in going to the immunologist to get my results, and the hematologist to review all my bloodwork.
I don't know how to end this post, it's raining and DH is mad at me for not helping around the house, so I better go.
-liw
Day 2 b/w and u/s this morning, everything looks good so I've already started my Estradiol tablets, patch starts on Thursday, and then a follow up on the 4th. If everything looks ok, I'll be scheduled for transfer, probably about a week later. So right now we are perfectly on schedule.
Sitting in the waiting room this morning was terrifying, I kept wanting to cry. Getting up at 6am on a Saturday so I can take the train into Manhattan to get to the clinic for morning monitoring is no picnic. Thankfully (?) I have been so slammed at work that I brought my laptop with me and crunched numbers all morning, so that was a nice distraction.
Yesterday at work I was speaking to a colleague, mid-40s man with 2 kids, and we were talking about how someone else had just had twins. He alluded to the fact that they were due to fertility treatments. So we got to talking about it, and it turns out he and his wife did IVF to get both of their kids! 2 BFNs, then 2 BFP's in a row. They tried IVF #5 for a third but when it didn't work, they decided they were lucky enough and called it quits. I was amazed. He was so open about it, and I told him, you know, you just assume everyone has kids with no problem, and you're like the only one of the people you know going through it. He told me about other people at work I had no idea about. Wow, I can't tell you how much that actually helped.
On another note, "Tell me you love me" on HBO is really starting to get to me. Their pain and fear is mine, and they are actually approaching it in such a realistic way that I have to believe someone close to the show went through this. Thank you once again, HBO, for keeping it real.
So this time I am going to not drink at all since starting the Estradiol. Last time I had a couple of drinks and then read the fine print and realized it's not a good thing. So why do anything to decrease my chances? I'm done with it.
This week will culminate in going to the immunologist to get my results, and the hematologist to review all my bloodwork.
I don't know how to end this post, it's raining and DH is mad at me for not helping around the house, so I better go.
-liw
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Frozen Embryo Transfer, Take II
Ah, so today was it, the big consult, which lasted all of 8 minutes on the phone. My RE was pretty direct: you just need a good embryo, your chances are still excellent, let's just keep going! He thinks it's just the luck of the draw and we'll get there, we just have to keep trying.
So, we agreed to do another FET - just thaw the "final four" and see what's best, then transfer 3. We're not going to change anything with the protocol right now, but I will see the hematologist and if she wants to add anything based on my panel results, that's fine with him. So I see her next week, and my immunologist for an update on those tests. I feel like I am finally making progress. Incredible, right? Now all I need is a sustainable pregnancy!
Here's the best part: I can stop taking my last bcp YESTERDAY and just go in on day 2 and start. My estimates are as follows:
AF: arrives Thu/Fri
Day 2: Fri/Sat
Day 14 f/u: Thu 10/4-Fri 10/5
Day 21 transfer: Thu Oct 11th
Beta: Sat 10/20 (if they do a Sat beta? Not sure)
That's not so bad! And I can get this all done (excluding the betas) before my marathon of business trips to the west coast. PHEW. Please let the timing work out this time. But most importantly: PLEASE LET THIS CYCLE ACTUALLY WORK.
Because + HPTs and + betas mean nothing to me anymore. It's amazing, but I probably won't even get that excited for a + HPT and a good first beta. And I will insist on a second beta 2-3 days later. No way I am going to think I am pg for a week only too find out "OOPS! YOUR BETA DROPPED!"
I don't think I'll be that much of a pollyanna to trust it again.
Look how much our trust wanes because of this. I don't like it, but I think being guarded is a matter of protecting yourself.
So here goes.
So, we agreed to do another FET - just thaw the "final four" and see what's best, then transfer 3. We're not going to change anything with the protocol right now, but I will see the hematologist and if she wants to add anything based on my panel results, that's fine with him. So I see her next week, and my immunologist for an update on those tests. I feel like I am finally making progress. Incredible, right? Now all I need is a sustainable pregnancy!
Here's the best part: I can stop taking my last bcp YESTERDAY and just go in on day 2 and start. My estimates are as follows:
AF: arrives Thu/Fri
Day 2: Fri/Sat
Day 14 f/u: Thu 10/4-Fri 10/5
Day 21 transfer: Thu Oct 11th
Beta: Sat 10/20 (if they do a Sat beta? Not sure)
That's not so bad! And I can get this all done (excluding the betas) before my marathon of business trips to the west coast. PHEW. Please let the timing work out this time. But most importantly: PLEASE LET THIS CYCLE ACTUALLY WORK.
Because + HPTs and + betas mean nothing to me anymore. It's amazing, but I probably won't even get that excited for a + HPT and a good first beta. And I will insist on a second beta 2-3 days later. No way I am going to think I am pg for a week only too find out "OOPS! YOUR BETA DROPPED!"
I don't think I'll be that much of a pollyanna to trust it again.
Look how much our trust wanes because of this. I don't like it, but I think being guarded is a matter of protecting yourself.
So here goes.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Testing
Yesterday I went to the immunologist, and she was amazing. She took 10 vials of blood and tested me for everything she possibly could have: ANA, APA, ATA, ACA/IG panel, even AOA and ASA, which I didn't even consider. So, I have to wait two weeks as apparently some of these tests need to get sent to labs in far-away places, like CA. It's interesting to me that NYC doesn't have proper labs to process some of this bloodwork. I mean, come ON. It's NY. Well, in any case, I have a follow up appt in 2 weeks to review the results and determine if further testing is needed. I have to say I am actually relieved, just to have it done and hence another step in the process completed.
In other news, I went to therapy on Monday. This therapist is one of two from my clinic that only sees IF patients. What a relief, and a difference. She not only knows all of the terminology and processes, but she knows my RE, all of them on staff actually, and she can give me advice, quote stats, etc. It is exactly what I need, so I'm going to be going weekly. It's sort of pricey and she is not in my insurance network so I don't think I can get a reimbursement, but I'll just chalk it up to the high financial cost of IF in general.
Tuesday is the appt with my RE, finally. It's taken so long to get here. I am just so ready to get started again. I am finally starting to feel better, spirits lifting, thinking we may actually be able to pull this off, in time.
Work is crazy busy and stressful and I've got alot of new projects, which I admit has been quite good for me. Distracting, anyway. And one of my homework assignments from the new therapist was to stop doing IF research online. So far, so good.
Hope all you ladies out there are doing well.
-liw
In other news, I went to therapy on Monday. This therapist is one of two from my clinic that only sees IF patients. What a relief, and a difference. She not only knows all of the terminology and processes, but she knows my RE, all of them on staff actually, and she can give me advice, quote stats, etc. It is exactly what I need, so I'm going to be going weekly. It's sort of pricey and she is not in my insurance network so I don't think I can get a reimbursement, but I'll just chalk it up to the high financial cost of IF in general.
Tuesday is the appt with my RE, finally. It's taken so long to get here. I am just so ready to get started again. I am finally starting to feel better, spirits lifting, thinking we may actually be able to pull this off, in time.
Work is crazy busy and stressful and I've got alot of new projects, which I admit has been quite good for me. Distracting, anyway. And one of my homework assignments from the new therapist was to stop doing IF research online. So far, so good.
Hope all you ladies out there are doing well.
-liw
Saturday, September 8, 2007
Someone actually reads this thing?
Thanks to all the ladies who commented. My husband and I read your supportive comments and your advice and poured over your own blogs. I hope you don't mind if I link to your sites. It's nice to have a support network.
I don't know, this last week and a half has been strange. Sometimes I feel ok, and sometimes I am SAD while other times I am just confused and angry. It's like going through all of the grief stages in no particular order and then cycling through them again. Today I woke up in a panic like, omg, I might never be pregnant again! And even if I do get pg, it might only last for a couple days.
I'm sort of obsessed with the idea of using a surrogate. Sometimes I just want to give up on my own ability to carry a healthy baby of my own and just go down that route. We've been in contact with 2 attorneys and a coordinator at one of the hospital university's in our area that sets these things up. We could actually get moving on this in a couple months. Right now I am trying to be patient for 10 more days. That's when I'll get to have a WTF meeting with my world-famous RE, who was so certain I'd be happily pregnant this time. Huh, well that didn't happen. So now what? I also made an appt with an immunologist who will complete my RPL testing and a hematologist to review my b/w from the thrombophilia panel. Oh, and probably the most important thing: I am going back to therapy, but this time with an psychologist from my clinic who specializes in infertility. That should be better than my last therapist, who hid her own pregnancy from me for 6 months. Nice.
So today I decided to be bitter at celebrities who undeservedly are pregnant. You know who I mean: Nicole Richie. Let's see what kind of a person she is:
- Endangers the lives of others by getting in cars while drunk or high
- Been to rehab more than once for HEROIN addiction
- Sleeps around and I have heard rumors that she has herpes
- Is so vain that she is anorexic, even while she is supposed to be nourishing an unborn child.
- Rude and nasty to people, especially non-famous who she makes fun of to their face, on camera, for a laugh.
My husband got upset the other night because I said I no longer believed in karma.
Well, can you blame me??
I don't know, this last week and a half has been strange. Sometimes I feel ok, and sometimes I am SAD while other times I am just confused and angry. It's like going through all of the grief stages in no particular order and then cycling through them again. Today I woke up in a panic like, omg, I might never be pregnant again! And even if I do get pg, it might only last for a couple days.
I'm sort of obsessed with the idea of using a surrogate. Sometimes I just want to give up on my own ability to carry a healthy baby of my own and just go down that route. We've been in contact with 2 attorneys and a coordinator at one of the hospital university's in our area that sets these things up. We could actually get moving on this in a couple months. Right now I am trying to be patient for 10 more days. That's when I'll get to have a WTF meeting with my world-famous RE, who was so certain I'd be happily pregnant this time. Huh, well that didn't happen. So now what? I also made an appt with an immunologist who will complete my RPL testing and a hematologist to review my b/w from the thrombophilia panel. Oh, and probably the most important thing: I am going back to therapy, but this time with an psychologist from my clinic who specializes in infertility. That should be better than my last therapist, who hid her own pregnancy from me for 6 months. Nice.
So today I decided to be bitter at celebrities who undeservedly are pregnant. You know who I mean: Nicole Richie. Let's see what kind of a person she is:
- Endangers the lives of others by getting in cars while drunk or high
- Been to rehab more than once for HEROIN addiction
- Sleeps around and I have heard rumors that she has herpes
- Is so vain that she is anorexic, even while she is supposed to be nourishing an unborn child.
- Rude and nasty to people, especially non-famous who she makes fun of to their face, on camera, for a laugh.
My husband got upset the other night because I said I no longer believed in karma.
Well, can you blame me??
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)